I don't really know how to say this, but I have to; I really didn't mean to manipulate anyone. I just thought I was telling people how I felt. I thought that it was okay as long as I spoke about myself and not about the other. I've tried very hard not to tell people that they are responsible for how I am at anytime, but I do feel that people have a responsibility toward each other, and the truth is part of that responsibility, and I always tried to tell people the truth. Now I don't know what that truth is, but I'm pretty sure that trying to make people to do what you want them to do is wrong.
I was recently told that I've been trying to manipulate people when I write to them when I'm sad and lonely. ... First off, I will not take the responsibility for the decisions that anyone else makes. If someone makes the decision to not be my friend or to not communicate with me anymore, then that is on them, not me. I may be a difficult person to be friends with, and I may be all messed up, but it's not right to blame others for how you feel or what you do, and that goes both ways. I am responsible for my behaviour, not yours.
Now that that is out of the way, of course my behaviour IS my responsibility and if I have been trying to manipulate people to get what I need from them, then that is very wrong. I am sorry to anyone I have ever done this to. I am sorry that I have been unable to control the response I have when it seems that someone is taking away their friendship. Please believe me that at the time when I did these things I believed I had nothing to lose and everything to gain if I did my best to make you stay. Each and every time I felt that if I did nothing I was giving up and letting you step out of my life for good, and you all were just too important to me to let that happen without trying to do something to stop it.
I'm sorry I got it all wrong. I am so confused now; I don't know anything anymore. ... I guess it doesn't matter though, because I was told that I pushed you all away. I don't think I should try to make any more friends because it would be impossible for me not to think of them as important, and then I'd be afraid I was losing them.
I have Fizz, and I have my books and I have my computer games. Those things were once good enough. I can make it that way again.
And again, to anyone it concerns, if anyone has any concern left at all, I'm so very sorry.
Dar
How is the therapy going?
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't start until into the new year. No one's contacted me yet.
DeleteJust an observation
ReplyDeleteA person can use subtle forms of manipulation that have nothing to do with lying .
They use their fears of abandonment and use ( albeit unintentional) guilt , flattery , self deprecation, and flat out childish demanding behaviours of a sort and yeah, manipulate another person. They may even infer that they " can't go on" or that life is no longer worth living because they are so worthless and " poison".
This causes other peole the feel guilt, or shame for" not being a true or real friend "
They tell you all the things they've done for you ( like being there when they needed you) trying maybe to amend the situation. is this not manipulation?
They say they accept their responsibility , but refuse to see,the pattern in their lives , repeating the same behaviours again and again and if you read what you have written over the past few years it's the same theme .
Frankly a lot of this is the poor me , victim stance .
Do you want a relationship with a person that's afraid you'll go off the deep end, or be too intrusive because they can't accept boundaries ?
You crossed everyone off Your list just like that , painting everyone with the same brush...no one can live up to your expectations , and You go from bei g poor me to very self righteous about your right to act any way you wanti the name of honnesty and truth.
Perhaps the pattern is people go away because they ae pushed there when they've had enough and relationships start to feel pressured instead of open amd free.
I did not paint everyone with the same brush. Most of the people on that mailing list were people who no longer speak to me anymore, and the rest were people who I didn't want to force feed this shit to.
DeleteI don't know what to say. if I speak in my defence or agree their's something very wrong with me then I'm doing either the poor me thing or the self righteous crap. I know everything I do is suspect. I need friends but I'm not talking to anyone because I need to so much.
. and yes I feel like dying, because I don't know how to fix it. and I still need a friend. I can not take loosing another one. I can't. and I dont give a fudge if you think I'm doing the poor me shit by saying that.
I believe in the truth, and now you are telling me that even that is suspect. what the fuck am I suppose to do now? I can'ty even express myself on my own b log
I can't do any of this anymore
I don't even know who I am anymore
ReplyDeleteI didn't mean to do any of this. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeletewho are you and why are you doing this?
ReplyDeleteIdon't think I have boundaries.
ReplyDeleteI'm not denying it anymore.
ReplyDeleteRead my email Dar
ReplyDeleteI deleted my profile here
I don't know what you mean, you deleted your profile. It's always been Anonymous
Delete