A time to heal

I am overwhelmed by how much work I have to do. The book I am reading, 'The Intimacy Factor' says (paraphrased) that I need to identify the specific time the trauma that happened to me as child, happened, so that I can address that child appropriately for her age, let her know that she's important enough to be listened to, tell her it's okay to be who she is, and then guide her into adulthood ...  but there isn't just one time or one injury. The problems I had growing up, existed the whole time I was growing up; my father belittled me from the first day I can remember, till I left his house. My mother's inattention confirmed his contempt, and told me that I wasn't worthy of being loved again and again.  And as an adult, because the injury never healed properly, I've been hurt again and again whenever I've had an opportunity to develop a close friendship.

There's something that happens to me when I am lonely. I don't know if I am experiencing a post traumatic response to how isolated I felt as a child, but I get it in my head that the friend I am missing the most is avoiding me on purpose. One thing leads to another, and eventually my friend pulls away. whether it's bit by bit, or all at once, each time they do they prove my father right, I am too deep, I am too much, I am contemptible, and I'm not worth loving. 

When I wrote what I did on my Facebook page, telling people to keep away because I might need them. It was out of hurt; I had just lost a friend, someone who I thought I could share a close friendship with for a long time. She left me because I did that thing that I do when I'm lonely; I accused her of not seeing me as a priority and making a choice not to be there for me. I made her feel like a shitty friend, even though my sudden need for her to be there was because she is a great friend, and I trusted her enough to feel love for her.  As soon as she confronted me about my accusation, I felt remorseful.  The things I said to her were so ridiculously uncalled for, I had no other choice but to see the truth of it. But I couldn't tell her that what happened wouldn't happen again. 

When I told people to stay away on my Facebook page, I said it out of hurt and without conviction, but I'm really not capable of maintaining a close friendship at this point; I have no control over these inappropiate post traumatic responses, and I am not going to do that to myself or another friend again. I can't, and I won't.

Just like my knees that were injured this spring and never got a chance to heal all summer because I kept using them as if they were well and strong, I've been walking around all my life with an injury to my whole-self that has never healed properly.

I don't mean to say that I will hide away from people like I am something 'poisoned'; I still intend to interact with any friends I still might have, but I think it's for my own good, as well as for everyone concerned, that I pull back on the intensity and focus my attention on healing those injuries myself, rather than looking for others to prove to me that I am worthy of their attention.