Conversation with a child

Is everyone as complicated; is it just me, or does it only seem that way because I'm pulling back the layers to see whats underneath?

Tonight I stopped myself from being swallowed by the sadness of losing my friend. There's the tiniest bit of hope that she might not disappear out my life forever. Yesterday, that was enough; today when things got difficult and I missed her very much, it wasn't.

It's so much easier for me to just let an emotion overtake me than it is for me to control it, and I've let it happen for so long now that it's a well worn path. The sadness I feel at such times is the truth, and in a way, I always figured I was honouring the importance of what I was sad about by allowing myself to experiencing it, so I let the emotion have free reign.  But when I do, I become that lonely kid that I once was, and I really do behave like her. I can't help but plead and beg, feel sorry for myself, and say it isn't fair! "Please come back. I promise I'll be good, don't leave me, I'll do whatever you want..." and at times when I'm in my adult self I've found such behaviour pathetic...

But in a second of clarity today, I tried to do what the book said I should. I put aside my thoughts that it was a foolish thing to do, and I talked to that lonely child inside of me. I told her that I understood her sadness, and I cried for her. I told her that it was okay, that she didn't have to worry, I was here to take care of her. And then I told her we weren't going to beg our friend to come back to us, because it's not right to try to make someone do something they don't want to do, and if we really wanted her to come back, we had to behave like a grownup...

A few more minutes of crying, and I started thinking about how I had been worrying about losing my identity during therapy. Suddenly it seemed so silly to me that I thought such a thing in the first place.

I didn't lose my identity tonight. I kept it intact.