I lost another friend today because I was lonely and I needed her.
I loved her before she loved me, and that unbalance made me feel vulnerable. Because I had no one else to talk to and because I assumed the worse when she wasn't available, it all became too much for her - too much pressure, too much responsibility, too much drama. Last night I told her why I expressed my love for her before she was able to say the same thing back. I told her that I did so because that love was her's, that it belonged to her because we were equally responsible for creating it. I thought I was saying a good thing because I believe love is a wonderful thing to create, but my saying what I did last night made her too uncomfortable.
So today I get an email telling me to please not contact her again, that I am too much stress on her health.
I've become this catch 22. I have this huge need for a close connection with at least one other person beside my wife. However the people I love keep leaving me, and I can't help but expect the worse when I do happen to have a close friend. I'm at the point where I can't even pretend
not to be needy, and no one wants that, do they?
Today I lost one of the kindest people I have ever had the honour of calling a friend. I've become this poison unwanted thing that I think should be hidden away so that I don't do anymore damage.
I can't do this anymore. I really can't.
Unfortunately there is not a pill that you can take that will sort your relationships out, and although finding out information is useful, there is no substitute for dealing with relationships by interacting with people, as in therapy.
ReplyDeleteRecognising that there is a problem is the first step to being able to change your own behaviour. Although you often hear that this is the biggest step to take it is difficult as best.
There are a lot of people who know they have a problem but cannot or will not change.
Often a pattern develops and repeats.
It seems all about you, but it is all UP to you.
best of luck
Thank you Anon, but I have already looked into route. Therapy is expensive, somewhere in the range of $100 to $120 an hour. It's not cover under my provincial health insurance, and even with a doctor's referral, it still costs the same. I found one place not far from where I live that say they believe that everyone should have access to therapy, their sliding scale starts at $50 an hour. I still can't afford that.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter, I not going to set myself to lose someone like that again. I just can't.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, I belong to a church that often speaks about opening your heart so that you know and live with love. And I have to close mine up and deny my own needs so that I can at least resemble what I believe. I don't know if I can live like this but I don't know what else to do.