I'm not going anywhere

...And then they leave; the last one less than a day after she said that. How many times do you think someone can have this happen to them before they come to a grinding stop?

I use to marvel at my ability to keep going, despite how many times I got hurt.. I believed in the power of love and I defiantly bared my heart to the world. But I think I just reached my limit. I can't have this happen to me ever again. I just cant.

I really don't think anyone knows what this feels like until they experience it themselves; I've never felt anything so debilitating in all my life. Part of me wants to curl up into a tight ball and hide, the other wants to kick and scream and break out of this box that is closing in around me, neither leaving me with enough will power to accomplish the other.

And so I'm stuck here pacing back and forth like a caged animal, unable to break free, and incapable of laying down to die.

Freedom like I've never known before.

There's a certain freedom to this; I don't expect there are too many out there who give a shit about what i have to say. I can say whatever I want, be selfishly obnoxious, self debasing, or childishly sorry for myself, because there's no one left to offend, no one left to hurt; there's no one left to lose, because they're all gone.

Can't think of a title, don't really care

So Blogger I guess you're it. Talking to your hollow emptiness, exposing my self to the whole world and no one in particular is better than not talking with anyone at all. At least I won't be putting pressure on anyone, or expecting too much from them in here.

As always, too much

I lost another friend today because I was lonely and I needed her.

I loved her before she loved me, and that unbalance made me feel vulnerable. Because I had no one else to talk to and because I assumed the worse when she wasn't available, it all became too much for her - too much pressure, too much responsibility, too much drama. Last night I told her why I expressed my love for her before she was able to say the same thing back. I told her that I did so because that love was her's, that it belonged to her because we were equally responsible for creating it. I thought I was saying a good thing because I believe love is a wonderful thing to create, but my saying what I did last night made her too uncomfortable.

So today I get an email telling me to please not contact her again, that I am too much stress on her health.

I've become this catch 22. I have this huge need for a close connection with at least one other person beside my wife. However the people I love keep leaving me, and I can't help but expect the worse when I do happen to have a close friend. I'm at the point where I can't even pretend
not to be needy, and no one wants that, do they?

Today I lost one of the kindest people I have ever had the honour of calling a friend. I've become this poison unwanted thing that I think should be hidden away so that I don't do anymore damage.

I can't do this anymore. I really can't.

Treading Water

At times I feel like an island in a vast and empty sea,

all the ties that hold me, floating loose and unraveling,

my loneliness threatening to pull me under into the dark and murky depths. 
In desperation I cling to the remaining threads, treading water,
and praying that tomorrow I will awake from my restless dreaming
to find those connections, once again, sure and true.

Doing What is Right, Vs, Personal Approval

For me, what matters is how I live my life, that I do the right thing, that my principles and and my behaviour mesh, that I walk the talk ... Not long ago I thought that what others think of me didn't figure into this equation at all. Thinking this way helped me to avoid the temptation of doing things just to gain approval, and believe me, such has  always been one of my biggest temptation... Recently however, I've been coming to understand  that how others see me is a very important part of  my walking my talk... 

You see, I believe we are all connected, that we all are part of an interdependent web of life. Not only do my actions have  repercussion along and within this web, but I have a direct responsibility to those I come in contact with, to accept them for who they are, and to treat them with  the same decency, respect, and compassion that I believe all people deserve. 

Indirectly and directly what I do and say affects other peoples lives, and I cannot escape the responsibility of this.  What amazes me is that I could believe in what I do, and not realize that how others see me is a direct indication of how successful I am in walking this talk of mine.

In short, if those I come in contact with see me as a positive part of their life, then I must be doing something right with treating them with said decency, respect, and compassion. At the very least, the opposite indicates that I am not being very successful at it.

But now I have a  problem. In a way, I've just given myself permission to gain the approval of others, a temptation I've tried very hard to avoid much of my adult life. 

Up until now it's been easy for me to keep the two motivations separate; for me to decide if something was the right thing to do I simply had to remove the incentive of person gain, and if it still looked good without it, it was the right thing to do.  But if another's approval is an indication of my getting my interaction with them 'right',  how am I to judge if what I am doing is for the right reason? Now that doing the right thing could very easily give me something I desire and need, how will I resist the temptation to see all personal approval as an indication that I've done the right thing? 

Adrift

Where did everyone go? Doesn't anyone blog anymore?

I'm feeling a little like a ship without a home port these days; Tabblo, a photo sharing and community site that I belong to, is rumored to be closing down soon and the thought of that has upset me very much. I haven't been very active on the site recently; other, ... what I thought were more important thing, have taken my time. ... The thing is, I always thought it would be there for me when I needed it. ... Actually, I never really gave it much thought at all; I just took it's existence for granted, even scorned it at times, but now when I am faced with losing it, the loss I feel is incredible.

I have met so many wonderful people on the site, a few who will continue to be friends when the place no longer exists, but many of them are 'online friends' that only exist within the confines of those virtual walls. ... And soon they all will disappear.

The saying: "You never know what you have until it's gone." is so common, you would think I would have heard it and heeded it's wisdom, but I guess like many things in life, we have to experience it before we can understand it's full import.

And now I find that most of those I use to follow here on blogger seemed to have found other more important things to do with their time...

Is there nothing permanent in this world; is everything a flight of fancy, here one minute gone the next when something more entertaining catches our eye?



- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Photo Blog

I've added a photo blog called, What I Have Seen. The link is on the side panel.

I blew it

I love you

and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy

and for me to be the reason why

but I gave up way to easily

believing in my inability to affect you

and so we spent the rest of our time together drowning in unrequited love.

Testing, testing

This thing still plugged in?