Treading Water

At times I feel like an island in a vast and empty sea,

all the ties that hold me, floating loose and unraveling,

my loneliness threatening to pull me under into the dark and murky depths. 
In desperation I cling to the remaining threads, treading water,
and praying that tomorrow I will awake from my restless dreaming
to find those connections, once again, sure and true.

Doing What is Right, Vs, Personal Approval

For me, what matters is how I live my life, that I do the right thing, that my principles and and my behaviour mesh, that I walk the talk ... Not long ago I thought that what others think of me didn't figure into this equation at all. Thinking this way helped me to avoid the temptation of doing things just to gain approval, and believe me, such has  always been one of my biggest temptation... Recently however, I've been coming to understand  that how others see me is a very important part of  my walking my talk... 

You see, I believe we are all connected, that we all are part of an interdependent web of life. Not only do my actions have  repercussion along and within this web, but I have a direct responsibility to those I come in contact with, to accept them for who they are, and to treat them with  the same decency, respect, and compassion that I believe all people deserve. 

Indirectly and directly what I do and say affects other peoples lives, and I cannot escape the responsibility of this.  What amazes me is that I could believe in what I do, and not realize that how others see me is a direct indication of how successful I am in walking this talk of mine.

In short, if those I come in contact with see me as a positive part of their life, then I must be doing something right with treating them with said decency, respect, and compassion. At the very least, the opposite indicates that I am not being very successful at it.

But now I have a  problem. In a way, I've just given myself permission to gain the approval of others, a temptation I've tried very hard to avoid much of my adult life. 

Up until now it's been easy for me to keep the two motivations separate; for me to decide if something was the right thing to do I simply had to remove the incentive of person gain, and if it still looked good without it, it was the right thing to do.  But if another's approval is an indication of my getting my interaction with them 'right',  how am I to judge if what I am doing is for the right reason? Now that doing the right thing could very easily give me something I desire and need, how will I resist the temptation to see all personal approval as an indication that I've done the right thing? 

Adrift

Where did everyone go? Doesn't anyone blog anymore?

I'm feeling a little like a ship without a home port these days; Tabblo, a photo sharing and community site that I belong to, is rumored to be closing down soon and the thought of that has upset me very much. I haven't been very active on the site recently; other, ... what I thought were more important thing, have taken my time. ... The thing is, I always thought it would be there for me when I needed it. ... Actually, I never really gave it much thought at all; I just took it's existence for granted, even scorned it at times, but now when I am faced with losing it, the loss I feel is incredible.

I have met so many wonderful people on the site, a few who will continue to be friends when the place no longer exists, but many of them are 'online friends' that only exist within the confines of those virtual walls. ... And soon they all will disappear.

The saying: "You never know what you have until it's gone." is so common, you would think I would have heard it and heeded it's wisdom, but I guess like many things in life, we have to experience it before we can understand it's full import.

And now I find that most of those I use to follow here on blogger seemed to have found other more important things to do with their time...

Is there nothing permanent in this world; is everything a flight of fancy, here one minute gone the next when something more entertaining catches our eye?



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Photo Blog

I've added a photo blog called, What I Have Seen. The link is on the side panel.

I blew it

I love you

and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy

and for me to be the reason why

but I gave up way to easily

believing in my inability to affect you

and so we spent the rest of our time together drowning in unrequited love.

Testing, testing

This thing still plugged in?

Black Sheep

"Society honors its living conformists and its dead trouble makers."  - Mignon McLaughlin

I am by nature polyamorous

I am by nature, polyamorous. That means I am open to, can, and DO, love more than one person deeply, and that I value, celebrate, and honour the connections and love I share with all those in my life, whether it be emotional, spiritual, sexual, or a combination of, within the confines of what is acceptable to all involved.

This doesn't mean that I am a swinger, that I think of sex as a recreational activity, or anything less than the spiritual connection between two people, or, as anything less then the ultimate expression of love. It doesn't mean that I am immoral or have no conscience. It doesn't mean that I am ungodly or evil. It doesn't mean that I don't respect other people's beliefs or principles, and it certainly does not mean that I have no regard for the value of commitment or what couples share, and so go around willy nilly disrupting people's primary relationships, mine, or anyone elses by trying to get every woman I meet into bed with me.

I am in a committed relationship with my partner. I value that relationship and commitment more than anything in this world. I am deeply in love with the woman she doesn't show to anyone else but me, the tenderness and love that's in her heart, and I return that honour with a life time commitment to her before all others, truthfully, faithfully, and monogamously.  There isn't anything or anyone on this earth that I would allow to come between her and I or the commitments I have made to her in my own heart, and just as I value and respect what I have with my partner, I value and respect what is shared between other couples.

It goes against everything I believe to knowingly cause hurt to anyone, to cross another's line, to disrespect their beliefs and values.  But I am human. I feel the need to make intimate connections, to be true to what I feel, to express it, and to be accepted and loved for who I am. My selfish need for these things can blind me from the truth and push me across lines of acceptable behaviour, mine and other people's, and when that happens I deeply feel the remorse and responsibility of my actions.

I believe in God, in love, in loyalty, in truth, and in many other things, and I continually try to become a better person by learning from my mistakes, and adjusting my behaviour to reflect what I believe to be right. I am not immoral or selfish because I recognize that it is in my nature to love more than one deeply, or because I allow myself the freedom to. With all my heart I believe that love is a gift from God and withholding it is a sin equal to breaking a vow of commitment or not telling the truth.

I am writing this post to be understood and to come out of the closet, if you will.  I know that for many, polyamory is a dirty word and they think of those who allow themselves that freedom as being without moral conviction or conscience. But that couldn't be further from the truth; granted, there are those who consider themselves polyamorous who do not adhere to a high moral standard, but polyamory and immorality are not inclusive, and I know in my heart, regardless of what anyone else may think, they certainly are not in me.

Wrong and Right continued

Knowledge that is gained from experience and understanding has more bearing on how someone governs their life than that obtained from hearsay. Once something is truly understood, it becomes the backing of one's principles.

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Wrong or right?

You have to experience something to know it. How could anyone know if something is right or wrong without having experienced it some how? All you possibly could know before hand is a rule that you should follow, with the faith that everyone who follows this rule knows that it is the right thing to do. ... Is it wrong not to have faith in rules you haven't yet come to understand as the right thing to do? Shouldn't something as important as deciding what is right and wrong have a bit more behind it than blind faith and ignorance?

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