I blew it

I love you

and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy

and for me to be the reason why

but I gave up way to easily

believing in my inability to affect you

and so we spent the rest of our time together drowning in unrequited love.

Testing, testing

This thing still plugged in?

Black Sheep

"Society honors its living conformists and its dead trouble makers."  - Mignon McLaughlin

I am by nature polyamorous

I am by nature, polyamorous. That means I am open to, can, and DO, love more than one person deeply, and that I value, celebrate, and honour the connections and love I share with all those in my life, whether it be emotional, spiritual, sexual, or a combination of, within the confines of what is acceptable to all involved.

This doesn't mean that I am a swinger, that I think of sex as a recreational activity, or anything less than the spiritual connection between two people, or, as anything less then the ultimate expression of love. It doesn't mean that I am immoral or have no conscience. It doesn't mean that I am ungodly or evil. It doesn't mean that I don't respect other people's beliefs or principles, and it certainly does not mean that I have no regard for the value of commitment or what couples share, and so go around willy nilly disrupting people's primary relationships, mine, or anyone elses by trying to get every woman I meet into bed with me.

I am in a committed relationship with my partner. I value that relationship and commitment more than anything in this world. I am deeply in love with the woman she doesn't show to anyone else but me, the tenderness and love that's in her heart, and I return that honour with a life time commitment to her before all others, truthfully, faithfully, and monogamously.  There isn't anything or anyone on this earth that I would allow to come between her and I or the commitments I have made to her in my own heart, and just as I value and respect what I have with my partner, I value and respect what is shared between other couples.

It goes against everything I believe to knowingly cause hurt to anyone, to cross another's line, to disrespect their beliefs and values.  But I am human. I feel the need to make intimate connections, to be true to what I feel, to express it, and to be accepted and loved for who I am. My selfish need for these things can blind me from the truth and push me across lines of acceptable behaviour, mine and other people's, and when that happens I deeply feel the remorse and responsibility of my actions.

I believe in God, in love, in loyalty, in truth, and in many other things, and I continually try to become a better person by learning from my mistakes, and adjusting my behaviour to reflect what I believe to be right. I am not immoral or selfish because I recognize that it is in my nature to love more than one deeply, or because I allow myself the freedom to. With all my heart I believe that love is a gift from God and withholding it is a sin equal to breaking a vow of commitment or not telling the truth.

I am writing this post to be understood and to come out of the closet, if you will.  I know that for many, polyamory is a dirty word and they think of those who allow themselves that freedom as being without moral conviction or conscience. But that couldn't be further from the truth; granted, there are those who consider themselves polyamorous who do not adhere to a high moral standard, but polyamory and immorality are not inclusive, and I know in my heart, regardless of what anyone else may think, they certainly are not in me.

Wrong and Right continued

Knowledge that is gained from experience and understanding has more bearing on how someone governs their life than that obtained from hearsay. Once something is truly understood, it becomes the backing of one's principles.

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Wrong or right?

You have to experience something to know it. How could anyone know if something is right or wrong without having experienced it some how? All you possibly could know before hand is a rule that you should follow, with the faith that everyone who follows this rule knows that it is the right thing to do. ... Is it wrong not to have faith in rules you haven't yet come to understand as the right thing to do? Shouldn't something as important as deciding what is right and wrong have a bit more behind it than blind faith and ignorance?

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Self-disapline

In the spring and summer I'm a gardener. I work hard for my clients and feel good about it. I have a few bucks in my pocket then and I feel proud that I have the opportunity to say "it's on me" to my partner and friends.

During the winter, I'm a house keeper and I'm lousy at it. I keep having to push myself to do the work. The satisfaction of a job well done is short lived because it keeps having to be done again and again, and my accomplishments fade away as the dishes pile up once more and the ring in the toilet bowl becomes more pronounced.

So I've been trying to discipline myself, but it seems that the more I accomplish this and accept that I have to do the things I have to do, the more I feel I'm squelching my creativity, and forcing myself to be something I'm just not.

Obviously the rewards of my summer job are more to my liking than my winter job, so my self-discipline is easier then to come by. I've never been very good at reconciling the conflict I have between impulsive and disciplined behaviour. Mostly I just end up not doing anything because I can't do one without feeling remorseful or guilty about not doing the other. I should be cleaning right now, but the tedium of removing the bits of exploded food from the inside of the microwave brought on a dullness of mind that I just couldn't endure a moment longer without expressing it.

I feel much better now for having expressed it, and writing that sentence about the toilet bowl ring. Maybe now that I've satisfied a creative impulse, I can get back to the cleaning and feel good about it, ... just like I'm suppose to do.

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Location:Canada

Bridges!

I was wrong, and I am so happy that I was! I never wanted to believe what I wrote in my previous post, that there isn't anything to be done about the human condition of solitude, that our lonely responsibility of, and to ourselves is something we always have to bear alone.

I was just talking on the phone to a friend and she told me that the first thing she thought of when she read my last post was bridges! ... Bridges! That's it, of course! The concept is so simple.

Waves are good, but they dissipate, and you feel lonely and sad when you no longer feel them caressing your coast, ... And digging deeply to the root of our islands, and finding our connections there, within those depths, may be the most fulfilling and rewarding, but that takes an amount of commitment that most don't have the time to give, - not that they don't want to; it's just the way it is. But bridges, there's a permanency to them if they are built right, and you can transverse them at anytime, and if both islands care enough to work to maintain that bridge, the connection will become deeper with time.

Thank-you my friend, for giving me this thought. (((HUGS!!!))) :)

Smile, be happy

We are all islands, separate and alone from the moment we leave our mother's womb.  Any illusion you might have that there is something that can be done to change this condition is false, so you'd better get use to the idea, or else you'll keep setting yourself up for disappointment. You cannot rely on anyone but yourself; you are the only constant in your life; with everyone else things will always change, and what you've come to believe in as something you can rely on will one day disappear. Better to steel yourself for that change at the beginning, and behave accordingly, than to allow yourself to trust that it will always be there for you. And never, never wear your heart on your sleeve.

All connections you make must remain superficial and light. Smile, and the world smiles with you. Light and happy is what will make you friends and what will keep them by your side. Never let on that your thoughts or feeling run any deeper, or that you feel the sadness of your solitude. No one wants to share that with you, they want your smiles and laughter, so that they too can escape the loneliness of their solitude whenever it gets too much for them to bear.

And above all else, be happy that this is the way things are.

No man (one) is an island

But these thoughts: each of us are responsible for our own happiness, and, our sadness is ours and ours alone, fills me with such sorrow for myself and all the other islands in this world that I could not go a moment longer keeping that sorrow to myself.