There are Always Mountains

Every fall my partner and I pack up our vehicle, strap my kayak to it's roof, and head out to the wilderness for a ten to fourteen day camping and fishing trip. Each year, as we get older, and roughing it is a little harder for my partner to endure, our annual holiday becomes more and more a concession on her part, a gift she gives to me because she knows just what I get from spending those precious few days out in the wilderness.

There's just something about being out there in the natural world that feeds my soul and 'roughing it' seems to be an intrinsic part of the experience. ... The cold, the wet, getting warm, dry, and clean, feeling the sun and wind on my face, catching the next day's breakfast, collecting wood and building a fire, smelling the smoke from it and watching the flames dance, and then at last snuggling into a chilly sleeping bag at night with nothing but it and a thin layer of stretched out nylon to protect you from the elements ... it's just all so alive and real, and nothing, nothing is taken for granted.

Unlike the rest of the year, I don't need an alarm clock to wake me, and I'm up with the dawn. Someone once told me that that was when the fish were feeding, and although I've never once caught a fish before ten am, I don't ever want to miss out on the chance that I might. So it's a quick trip to the outhouse, and If I have the time or it's too cold to do without, I'll light the Coleman and make a cup of coffee to take with me out on the lake.

Fishing is something I love to do that has nothing to do with anyone else, except for the sharing of the fish I've caught afterward. But when I'm doing it, it's just me, the lake, the fish, the trees, the mountains, the sky, ... and the rhythm. It's just all so simple and beautiful, ... and quiet. If I'm thinking, it's under the surface, or happening within that rhythm that it's not obvious. I'm alone, but I don't feel alone at all, more the opposite, like I've slipped comfortably into that slot where I'm connected to everyone and everything.

I don't know how to explain it except that something bigger than me, ... God if you will, Mother Nature, or simply the earth is cold, and I feel it. This bigger than me something makes the wind, and I respond in turn by digging in deeper with my paddle; the wind dies down, the motion of my kayak flattens, and the force of my strokes match. Catching a fish is like receiving a gift, being rewarded for my ability to match the rhythm that I'm submerged in, that I've become part of.

I'm starving when I come in off the lake, and everything I eat tastes wonderful. Breakfast is a celebration, and if it's the fish I've caught, even more so with the added bonus of feeling like I'm a provider passing on the gifts that I've been given. The sun rises higher in the sky, burns off the fog and warms the air, and I strip off the layers I'm wearing, again, another celebration, another 'this is the life' moment. ... And then at night when the sun sinks below the horizon, and I build a fire, the warmth from it is another gift that the earth has provided, the heat bursting from the fire wood as if it's releasing a collection of a thousand sunlit afternoons.

My partner and I play this game when we are sitting around a campfire. At any given moment we ask the other, what are you thinking about right now. It's amazing how your thoughts travel so freely without you realizing it, as you are sitting there so quietly watching the flames. Sometimes it's the day's little drama's that play out in your head, making sense out of them, sorting them out and filing them away, and at other times you thoughts are drifting like smoke, and there's nothing heavier in your head than wondering just what causes that popping that sends a spark flying into the cold air.

And now we're home, and I am glad to be, but I felt a bit displaced for the first few days. Everything seems so different here. The rhythm is different, more complicated somehow; the reasons for doing things seem fabricated and not so much part of something simple and whole. I can't see myself waiting again for another whole year before I get back out there again. It's where I find peace, where everything comes together for me, and where I feel part of that bigger something.

The trick, I suppose, is to hold onto that feeling for as long as I can. Writing out how the experience felt helps to keep it, like collecting fire wood and piling it away to be burned throughout the cold dark winter. Hopefully this year I've collected enough, and I won't ever have to worry about feeling the cold of loneliness again.

My applogies to everyone!

I haven't been able to sign in to my own blog from the blog page, so I haven't been able to respond to comments. I've tried 3 or 4 times, but everytime I sign in it takes me to the dashboard and when I click on view blog the sign in doesn't seem to have taken. I even tried writing a comment while not signed in and then I had to choose an identity, so then when I choose my Google id, nothing happened, and I lost my comments. :(

Flying

I could love you with all my heart if you let me
If you made it safe
If you loved me back
just like I love you
We could lose ourselves
in each other
and be as one
We could fly
together, you and I
But reality keeps stepping in
There's always something else that distracts
There's always someone else to love
There's always something else that needs doing
And it knocks me to the ground
It takes away my wings
And I just stand there
waiting
Not knowing what else to do
Hoping, that I can fly again with you soon

Tuxes and tin cans

One day queers and straights will all live peacefully and equally together. We'd all get up each morning, go to work, take care of our homes and families, and meet the challenges life presents to each of us as best we can. We'd cry when we are sad, laugh when we are happy, feel the joy of falling in love, and the debilitating sorrow when someone we love passes away. We'd live our lives very much like we do now, but with the singular exception, we'd all be considered equal in the eyes of the state and in society. But not today.

Today when I heard that the California Supreme Court had upheld proposition 8, I was shocked. I really did think that they would do the right thing and overturn the 2008 California election bill that took away the recently gained right for same sex couples to marry.

At first I was angry. It just isn't right. I mean, how can anyone believe what they are doing is just, when their actions hurt so many? My heart went out to all of those in California who have worked so long and hard to overturn the bill. It wasn't difficult to imagine what they must be feeling coming up against such an unyielding wall of resistance, after having spent so much time trying to break through that barrier of misunderstanding and hate.

Then I realized that my anger was because of the frustration I felt and it turned to tears. As a lesbian here in Canada, I have the right to marry another woman. My partner and I would have the same rights and privileges as a married man and woman would have. Even as things are now, our long term common-law relationship is recognized by the government, just as it's heterosexual counterpart is.

If my partner and I were to marry, our neighbours might see us coming out of the house dressed in our finest duds, hear the horns of the cars in our wedding party, and the clanging of the cans tied to the back of our Tracker as we drove past. They'd gossip for a bit, maybe a few would even roll their eyes, but in a week or so, everything would be back to normal. We'd all go about our own lives just as we'd all done before. We'd get up in the morning, go to work, love and care for our families, mow our lawns on the weekends, and meet the challenges life presents to us each day.

On the surface everything would be the same. What difference does it mean for anyone if my partner and I have the security of knowing that if the other becomes ill, we'd be able to visit them in the hospital as next of kin, or if our home, life, and auto insurances are jointly owned? How does it change anyone else's life if one of us dies and our home and property automatically goes to the other? Who does it affect but ourselves if we gain the right to decide how best to deal with our partners remains? The privileges we would gain by being married wouldn't take away any from those who already take them for granted as their basic rights and freedoms, so what is all the fuss about? I just don't understand.

The fight for equality continues in California, and I am so very proud of the strength and commitment of my queer brothers and sisters there, and all over the US. ...This morning I felt so ineffectual just sitting here feeling hurt and frustrated and doing nothing. Writing this was all that I could think of. It's a small thing I know, but if what I have to say gets though to one person then I've at least done something, and it's a start.

It's always time to do something....

And now I gotta wash up and then go make supper.

So maybe next week won't be as busy and I can spend a WHOLE day catching up with everyone... I miss you guys!!!!

Seeing Me

Today I looked in the mirror and I saw
a child, full of joy and laughter
feeling as free as the wind
as she rides her bicycle with abandon
down the steep hill

Today I looked in the mirror and I saw
a young woman, full of hopes and dreams
bursting with enthusiasm
overjoyed by the possibilities
of the life unfolding before her eyes

Today I looked in the mirror and I saw
a strong woman, full of courage and resolve
determined to live her life
in accordance with the values and principles
that she alone has defined

Today I looked in the mirror
and for the first time in a long time
I saw me

A Letter from New York

I got a letter a few days ago, not an email, but an actual envelope delivered by the post office, with a stamp, an address, and a return address label stuck neatly in the upper left hand corner. I didn't recognize the woman's name on the label, Kathleen Warnock. Do I know a Kathleen Warnock, I asked myself... Then I saw the address under the name, New York it read, and my heart rate sky rocketed. New York was where I sent off my short story, 'Letting Go of Baggage'.

"Oh my gosh, this is it" I thought, standing there looking down at the envelope in my hand. "It's either my first rejection, or my first acceptance letter..."

I had almost forgotten about sending off that story; I've been so busy establishing myself as the best darn weed puller in the neighbourhood that I hadn't prepared myself... Whatever it was that was written on that piece of paper inside that plain white envelope was going to rock my world. I stood there looking at the envelope in my hand.

"Oh for cripes sake, open it', the voice inside of my head chided, so I ripped it open, taking extra care not to tear the paper inside....

"Dear Ms Levy'

This letter is to confirm the receipt of your submission to Best Lesbian Erotica 2010. The email you included with your submission bounced, so would you be so kind as to email me with your current email?

Your submission is currently being read. If it is chosen as a finalist, I'll let you know within the next month to six weeks. If it is not a finalist, I will still let you know...
....
Cordially,
Kathleen Warnock
Editor, Best Lesbian Erotica 2010

My email bounced. ... I must have proof read it all over a dozen times, and laboured over the format till I thought it was perfect, ... and I made a mistake on my email address! LOL!

Kathleen Warnock, Editor, Best Lesbian Erotica 2010, is a very nice woman to send me a letter asking me to email her with my current address. She could have just as easily shrugged her shoulders and said to herself "oh well, another one for the trash bin."

I'm keeping the letter anyway, it's the first time an Editor has ever written to me, but I'm refusing to count down the passing time of a month to six weeks.... Who am I kidding! LOL.

Baths are for butches too!

I had a bath last night, first I've had in a very long time. Now don't get me wrong, I do shower on a regular basis. I'm not a grubby, but I've always disliked the idea of just lollygagging there in the hot water with the soap suds, the day's dirt, sweat, and dead skin cells, all floating about in there with you. I've always opted for a shower because I thought it more efficient for washing those ucky things off of you and down the drain. I've also always thought that baths were for wooses; you know, the whole idea of pampering yourself... It just didn't sit right with my grin and bear it attitude .... Well let me tell you, baths are for butches too and I'm a convert! :)

Since I've begun my handy woman/garden maintenance business, my muscles have been aching, and I've pretty much accepted that as a fact of life. I've even come to enjoy the feeling at the end of the day, seeing that tired ache as a sign that I've put in a good honest day's work.

Recently though, my hands have been aching too, so much so that I've been awakened at night with the discomfort. So last night while washing up a few dishes I noticed just how good my hands felt in the hot water, and I had this incredible urge to submerge the rest of my arms into the sink, and then because I only managed to do so up to my elbows, the rest of my body cried out for the same luxurious treatment.

So in a moment of weakness, I ran a bath. I filled the tub as high as it could be filled with water as hot as I thought I could bear. ... I stepped in and slid into the tub... Oh my gawd... My toes and feet were the first to feel the effect, then my butt and thighs, my calf muscles, then up my back, to my shoulders and neck, and then my arms and hands. ...Did you know hands float? LOL. I didn't know that. (Grin)

Eventually the water began to cool, so I drained out about half and filled it again with hot water. What Indulgence! My whole body relaxed into a gelatinous state as the tension in each muscle eased and my joints and tendons clicked happily into a more comfortable position. I don't think I could have moved even if I wanted to... I lay there for the longest time in complete and utter bliss, submerged up to my face in hot water until I saw my floating finger tips begin to prune, and the water in the tub began to cool once more. ... I felt a few moments of regret as I watched the last of the warm water swirl around my ankles and down the drain, so I promised myself then and there that I'd have another bath soon.

I then showered, toweled down, and changed into my softest flannel boxers and cozy t-shirt. My partner took our dog Fizz out for her nightly piddle, so I didn't have to shed the comforting warmth that enfolded me, so I slipped it all in with me between the sheets, kissed my partner and pooch goodnight, and fell swiftly into the best sleep I've ever had.

I slept like a baby all though the night, and this morning my muscles and joints are nearly ache free. Life is good. My body and soul are in top form, and I'm rearing and ready for another day of hard work. :)

Common decency

Today I got another long term client, an older woman who has fallen down and hurt her hip and shoulder and can't do a lot of things for herself. Her daughter has been saying to her, "Mom, you gotta find someone to help you." So I'll be working for this woman three hours a week, gardening, - and this part I couldn't help because she needed me - mopping her kitchen floor and vacuuming. ... I wasn't thinking I wanted to do house work, but she was so grateful to have found me I couldn't refuse... I'm sure that the stuff about "Mom you gotta find someone to help you" is just a precursor to: "Maybe you should think about selling the house and moving into a retirement home." So it feels good that my working for this woman will be buying her some time before she has to do that. :)

I told a friend about it this evening, and she replied back saying it was wonderful and kind of me, and that I was an angel, that we reap what we sow, and that good deeds are rewarded....

Now, I'm feeling pretty good about myself, but not that good. I don't think I've done something special enough that it deserves such praise, and certainly not something so great that I should let that praise go to my head. I was just being a decent human being, and after all, I will be getting paid for the work I do. My good feeling came simply from being in a position that allowed me to exercise my own principles, but that's all it is, principles.

I'm not looking for a reward. I already got it. I feel good about my decision and I'm sure it will be appreciated, and that's all I need.

That's all anyone should need, don't you think?

Whistle while you work

I've been pretty low for most of this week. On Sunday my partner's father informed us that he can't help pay our property taxes like he has done in the past, so we have three months to come up with the money, making it somewhere around five hundred dollars a month we have to somehow find to make the payment. Added to that, when I told him about my new self employment he laughed, saying that if I was going to inspire people to hire me to care for their gardens, I would first have to get mine in better shape, and to top things off, my partner's mother offered to pay me to work in my own garden.

I know what my partner's parents opinion of me is, and it's difficult for me not to share it, being that I haven't held down a long term job in more than twenty years, and that my depression had made it so that I couldn't even drum up the enthusiasm needed to take care of my responsibilities here at home. It's difficult for me not to feel like a failure when I've spent most of my life dependent on others, and especially so at this time, when every penny coming into this house is desperately needed.

What had felt like an accomplishment the week before, suddenly didn't measure up, and the pride I felt about having started my little enterprise and gaining a bit of independence from my partner seemed like something only a child should be proud of. All the steam had left me, and I went back to work on Monday feeling like I was working my ass off for nothing. By Tuesday evening I was exhausted, and feeling more than a little sorry for myself.

Even now as I write this I'm struggling to not let these thoughts bring me back down, but the reason I am writing this is not to wallow in my self pity. Thursday afternoon I went back to work and something miraculous happened. I found myself whistling again, ... and that's kind of big in it self, because I don't whistle very well at all. (Grin)

You see, I really do enjoy gardening, and seeing the results of my hard work. I took a few minutes break from my weeding and trimming that afternoon and looked around at what I had done, and it looked very good. There's something very satisfying about tackling the chaos of an overgrown garden and turning it back into something beautiful. I might not have taken a course, or know the latin names of the plants that I'm dealing with, but I have an instinct for it, and I do know what I am doing, and that can only improve with experience.

I'm conscientious, and I'm not afraid of hard work, and this is what I am offering to those who hire me. I just started this business, and even though I might not be raking in the money right now when it is needed, there's no telling what will come of this little venture of mine. It probably never will become a cash cow, but it should gain me a bit of financial independence from my partner. More importantly, it's reminded me of some things about myself that I admire, some very basic things that I had forgotten, and need to hang onto to maintain my self respect.

I was foolish to let someone else's opinion take that away from me after so recently regaining it, and I've made a promised to myself to do everything I can in the future not to let that happen again.

So today, instead of going back to working at that over grown garden, like I had planned, and to tell you the truth, I can't wait to get back at it, I went to visit a couple of prospective clients, a retired man who wants me to maintain his flower beds, not much, but it's good to line up something long term, and a woman who wants me to work for her tomorrow. The later was only suppose to be a couple of hours work, but because of my having popped in to see her today, she's already talking about having me come back to do more, and she hasn't even seen what I'm capable of yet. :)