Black Sheep

"Society honors its living conformists and its dead trouble makers."  - Mignon McLaughlin

I am by nature polyamorous

I am by nature, polyamorous. That means I am open to, can, and DO, love more than one person deeply, and that I value, celebrate, and honour the connections and love I share with all those in my life, whether it be emotional, spiritual, sexual, or a combination of, within the confines of what is acceptable to all involved.

This doesn't mean that I am a swinger, that I think of sex as a recreational activity, or anything less than the spiritual connection between two people, or, as anything less then the ultimate expression of love. It doesn't mean that I am immoral or have no conscience. It doesn't mean that I am ungodly or evil. It doesn't mean that I don't respect other people's beliefs or principles, and it certainly does not mean that I have no regard for the value of commitment or what couples share, and so go around willy nilly disrupting people's primary relationships, mine, or anyone elses by trying to get every woman I meet into bed with me.

I am in a committed relationship with my partner. I value that relationship and commitment more than anything in this world. I am deeply in love with the woman she doesn't show to anyone else but me, the tenderness and love that's in her heart, and I return that honour with a life time commitment to her before all others, truthfully, faithfully, and monogamously.  There isn't anything or anyone on this earth that I would allow to come between her and I or the commitments I have made to her in my own heart, and just as I value and respect what I have with my partner, I value and respect what is shared between other couples.

It goes against everything I believe to knowingly cause hurt to anyone, to cross another's line, to disrespect their beliefs and values.  But I am human. I feel the need to make intimate connections, to be true to what I feel, to express it, and to be accepted and loved for who I am. My selfish need for these things can blind me from the truth and push me across lines of acceptable behaviour, mine and other people's, and when that happens I deeply feel the remorse and responsibility of my actions.

I believe in God, in love, in loyalty, in truth, and in many other things, and I continually try to become a better person by learning from my mistakes, and adjusting my behaviour to reflect what I believe to be right. I am not immoral or selfish because I recognize that it is in my nature to love more than one deeply, or because I allow myself the freedom to. With all my heart I believe that love is a gift from God and withholding it is a sin equal to breaking a vow of commitment or not telling the truth.

I am writing this post to be understood and to come out of the closet, if you will.  I know that for many, polyamory is a dirty word and they think of those who allow themselves that freedom as being without moral conviction or conscience. But that couldn't be further from the truth; granted, there are those who consider themselves polyamorous who do not adhere to a high moral standard, but polyamory and immorality are not inclusive, and I know in my heart, regardless of what anyone else may think, they certainly are not in me.

Wrong and Right continued

Knowledge that is gained from experience and understanding has more bearing on how someone governs their life than that obtained from hearsay. Once something is truly understood, it becomes the backing of one's principles.

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Wrong or right?

You have to experience something to know it. How could anyone know if something is right or wrong without having experienced it some how? All you possibly could know before hand is a rule that you should follow, with the faith that everyone who follows this rule knows that it is the right thing to do. ... Is it wrong not to have faith in rules you haven't yet come to understand as the right thing to do? Shouldn't something as important as deciding what is right and wrong have a bit more behind it than blind faith and ignorance?

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Self-disapline

In the spring and summer I'm a gardener. I work hard for my clients and feel good about it. I have a few bucks in my pocket then and I feel proud that I have the opportunity to say "it's on me" to my partner and friends.

During the winter, I'm a house keeper and I'm lousy at it. I keep having to push myself to do the work. The satisfaction of a job well done is short lived because it keeps having to be done again and again, and my accomplishments fade away as the dishes pile up once more and the ring in the toilet bowl becomes more pronounced.

So I've been trying to discipline myself, but it seems that the more I accomplish this and accept that I have to do the things I have to do, the more I feel I'm squelching my creativity, and forcing myself to be something I'm just not.

Obviously the rewards of my summer job are more to my liking than my winter job, so my self-discipline is easier then to come by. I've never been very good at reconciling the conflict I have between impulsive and disciplined behaviour. Mostly I just end up not doing anything because I can't do one without feeling remorseful or guilty about not doing the other. I should be cleaning right now, but the tedium of removing the bits of exploded food from the inside of the microwave brought on a dullness of mind that I just couldn't endure a moment longer without expressing it.

I feel much better now for having expressed it, and writing that sentence about the toilet bowl ring. Maybe now that I've satisfied a creative impulse, I can get back to the cleaning and feel good about it, ... just like I'm suppose to do.

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Location:Canada

Bridges!

I was wrong, and I am so happy that I was! I never wanted to believe what I wrote in my previous post, that there isn't anything to be done about the human condition of solitude, that our lonely responsibility of, and to ourselves is something we always have to bear alone.

I was just talking on the phone to a friend and she told me that the first thing she thought of when she read my last post was bridges! ... Bridges! That's it, of course! The concept is so simple.

Waves are good, but they dissipate, and you feel lonely and sad when you no longer feel them caressing your coast, ... And digging deeply to the root of our islands, and finding our connections there, within those depths, may be the most fulfilling and rewarding, but that takes an amount of commitment that most don't have the time to give, - not that they don't want to; it's just the way it is. But bridges, there's a permanency to them if they are built right, and you can transverse them at anytime, and if both islands care enough to work to maintain that bridge, the connection will become deeper with time.

Thank-you my friend, for giving me this thought. (((HUGS!!!))) :)

Smile, be happy

We are all islands, separate and alone from the moment we leave our mother's womb.  Any illusion you might have that there is something that can be done to change this condition is false, so you'd better get use to the idea, or else you'll keep setting yourself up for disappointment. You cannot rely on anyone but yourself; you are the only constant in your life; with everyone else things will always change, and what you've come to believe in as something you can rely on will one day disappear. Better to steel yourself for that change at the beginning, and behave accordingly, than to allow yourself to trust that it will always be there for you. And never, never wear your heart on your sleeve.

All connections you make must remain superficial and light. Smile, and the world smiles with you. Light and happy is what will make you friends and what will keep them by your side. Never let on that your thoughts or feeling run any deeper, or that you feel the sadness of your solitude. No one wants to share that with you, they want your smiles and laughter, so that they too can escape the loneliness of their solitude whenever it gets too much for them to bear.

And above all else, be happy that this is the way things are.

No man (one) is an island

But these thoughts: each of us are responsible for our own happiness, and, our sadness is ours and ours alone, fills me with such sorrow for myself and all the other islands in this world that I could not go a moment longer keeping that sorrow to myself.

There are Always Mountains

Every fall my partner and I pack up our vehicle, strap my kayak to it's roof, and head out to the wilderness for a ten to fourteen day camping and fishing trip. Each year, as we get older, and roughing it is a little harder for my partner to endure, our annual holiday becomes more and more a concession on her part, a gift she gives to me because she knows just what I get from spending those precious few days out in the wilderness.

There's just something about being out there in the natural world that feeds my soul and 'roughing it' seems to be an intrinsic part of the experience. ... The cold, the wet, getting warm, dry, and clean, feeling the sun and wind on my face, catching the next day's breakfast, collecting wood and building a fire, smelling the smoke from it and watching the flames dance, and then at last snuggling into a chilly sleeping bag at night with nothing but it and a thin layer of stretched out nylon to protect you from the elements ... it's just all so alive and real, and nothing, nothing is taken for granted.

Unlike the rest of the year, I don't need an alarm clock to wake me, and I'm up with the dawn. Someone once told me that that was when the fish were feeding, and although I've never once caught a fish before ten am, I don't ever want to miss out on the chance that I might. So it's a quick trip to the outhouse, and If I have the time or it's too cold to do without, I'll light the Coleman and make a cup of coffee to take with me out on the lake.

Fishing is something I love to do that has nothing to do with anyone else, except for the sharing of the fish I've caught afterward. But when I'm doing it, it's just me, the lake, the fish, the trees, the mountains, the sky, ... and the rhythm. It's just all so simple and beautiful, ... and quiet. If I'm thinking, it's under the surface, or happening within that rhythm that it's not obvious. I'm alone, but I don't feel alone at all, more the opposite, like I've slipped comfortably into that slot where I'm connected to everyone and everything.

I don't know how to explain it except that something bigger than me, ... God if you will, Mother Nature, or simply the earth is cold, and I feel it. This bigger than me something makes the wind, and I respond in turn by digging in deeper with my paddle; the wind dies down, the motion of my kayak flattens, and the force of my strokes match. Catching a fish is like receiving a gift, being rewarded for my ability to match the rhythm that I'm submerged in, that I've become part of.

I'm starving when I come in off the lake, and everything I eat tastes wonderful. Breakfast is a celebration, and if it's the fish I've caught, even more so with the added bonus of feeling like I'm a provider passing on the gifts that I've been given. The sun rises higher in the sky, burns off the fog and warms the air, and I strip off the layers I'm wearing, again, another celebration, another 'this is the life' moment. ... And then at night when the sun sinks below the horizon, and I build a fire, the warmth from it is another gift that the earth has provided, the heat bursting from the fire wood as if it's releasing a collection of a thousand sunlit afternoons.

My partner and I play this game when we are sitting around a campfire. At any given moment we ask the other, what are you thinking about right now. It's amazing how your thoughts travel so freely without you realizing it, as you are sitting there so quietly watching the flames. Sometimes it's the day's little drama's that play out in your head, making sense out of them, sorting them out and filing them away, and at other times you thoughts are drifting like smoke, and there's nothing heavier in your head than wondering just what causes that popping that sends a spark flying into the cold air.

And now we're home, and I am glad to be, but I felt a bit displaced for the first few days. Everything seems so different here. The rhythm is different, more complicated somehow; the reasons for doing things seem fabricated and not so much part of something simple and whole. I can't see myself waiting again for another whole year before I get back out there again. It's where I find peace, where everything comes together for me, and where I feel part of that bigger something.

The trick, I suppose, is to hold onto that feeling for as long as I can. Writing out how the experience felt helps to keep it, like collecting fire wood and piling it away to be burned throughout the cold dark winter. Hopefully this year I've collected enough, and I won't ever have to worry about feeling the cold of loneliness again.

My applogies to everyone!

I haven't been able to sign in to my own blog from the blog page, so I haven't been able to respond to comments. I've tried 3 or 4 times, but everytime I sign in it takes me to the dashboard and when I click on view blog the sign in doesn't seem to have taken. I even tried writing a comment while not signed in and then I had to choose an identity, so then when I choose my Google id, nothing happened, and I lost my comments. :(