Self Reflection

When I look in the mirror
there is nothing to see
Without you to reflect off of
I don't exist
Alone
I sit waiting
an empty shell
waiting to discover
who I am

Creating meaning

I've been reading the book: 'The Van Gogh Blues - The Creative Person's Path Through Depression' by Eric Maisel. The premise of the book is that creative people suffer a different type of depression than others because we spend our days continually questioning the meaning of what we do, our life, and life in general. Our depression arises out of the lack of meaning we find in the world around us or in our own lives (especially when we happen to be suffering a creative slump). The theory is that if we create our own meaning, and articulate a plan as to how to live a meaningful life and do meaningful work, we will have the tools to proceed though the bouts of depression that we will continue to experience whenever we have one of our meaning crises.

To create meaning in our lives we first must ask ourselves what we want our life to mean, what do we want to stand for? When we know this we can then articulate a life plan, what constitutes worthy work, and how our time can be spent meaningfully.

I'm still a bit skeptical about whether or not this will be of help to me, but that I suppose is my nature, being a creative person who questions the meaning of everything, (grin) But considering that I'm no stranger to writer's block, false starts, and the debilitating inaction of self doubt, I decided, what the heck; I'm desperate, I'll try anything. ... Seriously, I do believe there to be some truth in what I've been reading, so I decided to put the theory into practice, and reflect on what will bring meaning into my life. And maybe the next time I have a crisis I can look back on what I wrote and find something that will help get my life back on track.

First entry in my little black book of meaning:

I want my life to stand for love, truth, and open honesty. I believe that living a life by these principles are the only way to make true connections and free ourselves of the bounds of our individual isolation.

To live a meaningful life, I need to both, engage with the people in my life openly and honestly, and have my writing reflect these principles, so that other's may: make a connection, relate, come to an understanding of, and possibly learn from what I've experienced and seen.

My life plan is that I intend to communicate and connect with other's openly, honestly, and clearly, through the perfecting of my creative writing, and subsequent publication of it, and through my interactions with the people in my life, and in doing so, enrich both mine and their lives as much as is possible.

Well, it's a start. I have to flush it out a bit more, but I think it's a good beginning, and it doesn't hurt to confirm your values and try to create a way that what you do with your time is in keeping with what you believe.

Mystery solved!

So the mystery is solved; A sexy story, someone named Darlene, and a blog was mentioned on CBC Radio 2 on the morning in question. It wasn't me or mine though, but I wasn't dreaming either, just allowing myself to be open to the possibility that what I write is worthy enough of being noticed, and that is something we all need to do, even if your resulting inquiries have the possibility of making you appear foolish. (Grin)

I did learn something from the exchange though, that last bit in the above paragraph, and that when you are inquiring about something, you get much better results if you sound sure of what you are talking about then you do if you start the inquiry off doubting your own thoughts and apologizing for it.

Below is the email exchange I had with a very helpful fellow named Walter from CBC Radio 2. Enjoy. (Grin)


2/18/2009 12:53 AM >>>
timestamp: 2009-02-18 00:53:46 EST
a_firstName: Dar
b_lastName: Levy
c_email: one.world@shaw.ca
d_feedback: I woke up on Friday the thirteenth with the clock radio on
the morning show, at around 7:30, and I believe I heard my name mentioned. It seemed that the person speaking was talking about my blog,'Out Of My Head' and a short story that I had posted there. I tried phoning the station that morning but haven't yet heard an answer as to why me, my blog, or my short story would have been mentioned. So tonight finally someone who listens to the early morning show regularly told me that Rachel Giese, The Web Goddest makes an appearance now and then and she could have mentioned my blog and short story. Is there any way possible I could find out what was said? I would be very interested in knowing, since it's not everyday I hear my name mentioned on the radio.
Dar
----------------------------------------------

On 18-Feb-09, at 2:05 AM, radio2 Morning wrote:

Sorry....I don;t think your clock radio was tuned to CBC Radio 2 and Radio 2 Morning with Tom Allen. Perhaps a local CBC Radio One affiliate? The Web Goddess was a feature on the old show, and hasn't been a part of the morning mix since August '08.

Walter
___________________________________

AliDar 2/18/2009 10:57 AM >>>
Hello Walter;

Yes, the clock radio is tuned to CBC Radio 2; I just checked this morning, and the listen live, pacific from the website is now playing the same song as is playing from the clock radio. All I know is that my name, Dar Levy, my short story: "Letting Go of Baggage" were mentioned, some where around 7:30 am on the morning of Friday the 13th, and possibly my blog: " Out of My Head" as well... I am unsure of the latter because my partner turned off the alarm in the middle, but we turned it back on, and I can assure you I was awake.

I'm pretty certain it was a males voice speaking, possibly Tom Allan, not a woman's voice. The suggestion of it being the Web Goddess was from a friend who said he was a regular listener and was trying to help. Obviously he has his past and present mixed up. I can assure you, I do not.

This morning when the alarm went off Tom Allan was giving a plug for Bill Richardson's Saturday Morning at the Opera. So there is talking, on the show to some degree, and on the morning of the 13th someone mentioned my name and short story, and possibly my blog on the show, and I would very much like to know why.

Yours respectfully,
Dar
_______________________________



On 18-Feb-09, at 8:40 AM, radio2 Morning wrote:

Hi Dar....I think I have an answer. Last week we were asking listeners to write to us, post on our blog, or phone us with songs (and the stories why) that open their hearts as Valentines Day approached.

At 7:10 on Feb 13th, Tom read two blog postings for Feist's Mushaboom. The second post came from a Darlene. Here is a copy of the blog posting:

-----------

DarleneForbes wrote:Posted 2009/02/10
at 9:38 AM ETOk so I am going to state two songs from Canadian artists that open my heart. A romantic song that speaks to me of everyday struggles and how fantasy can help to make it all bearable. That song is “Mushaboom” by Feist. I love the lyric:

“I got man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house oh oh oh
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done oh oh oh”

To me this is the epitome of true love; it isn’t necessarily doves floating by and violins soaring. It is a woman and her lover struggling to get by but still keeping their dreams of a better life alive.

The second is a more lustful selection from one of the sexiest musicians of any nationality and that is Hawksley Workman’s “Striptease for me baby”. .”

Thats it - thanks from Darlene

--------
Are you the Darlene in question?

Walter

_______________________________________

AliDar 2/18/2009 12:17 PM >>>

Hey Walter;
LOL, no, I am not the Darlene in question, but I think you may have solved my early morning mystery for me. I remember distinctly hearing Tom say: it's about a woman and her lover struggling... ... and then my partner slapped the alarm.

So, hearing that, (which sounds like the beginnings of my story being described) my name, ... I'm pretty sure he said Dar though and not Darlene, but, hey, I didn't have my coffee yet, ... and then blog.... LOL, well, that was enough to sit me bolt upright in bed thinking he was talking about me.

Thank you for taking my inquiry seriously and for your efforts in solving the mystery. :)

Dar
________________________________

On 18-Feb-09, at 9:23 AM, radio2 Morning wrote:

I enjoyed the challenge. Thanks for listening to Radio 2 Morning.

Walter

Was it a dream? - Update!

So, I didn't hear anything back from the fellow I talked to about having heard my name, my blog, and my short story mentioned on CBC radio on Friday morning. I was about to chalk it up to a very over active imagination being so abruptly awakened out of REM sleep, or to the derangement caused by a pending head full of mucus and a fever... But tonight at my critique group's meeting I chanced to tell the story yet one more time, and guess what? I'm not going crazy; there's a very plausible explanation.

Apparently on Friday mornings, on CBC 2, Rachel Giese The Web Goddess drops by to give a list of interesting websites she's found during the week. Now I don't know in what context she mentioned me and mine, but now there is a high probability that I wasn't losing my mind after all, and, I might just have a fan out there in radio land. I sent an email off to the hosts of the morning show asking if I could somehow get a transcript of her segment, and tomorrow morning, I will phone the station once more, this time armed with a bit more knowledge backing up my claim.

On other matters, I've been out of the loop for awhile because I've been sick in bed with the flu. Today I managed to spend the whole day out of bed, and so I went to my first fiction critique group meeting tonight and got a lot of good feedback on 'Making it Right'. My eyes no longer ache so much when I look at this monitor, so tomorrow I think I'll be able to get caught up on what everyone's been up to, and maybe I'll even get a bit of writing of my own done.

Anyway, it's been a long day, so I'm off to dream about web goddesses, positive feedback, and great big orange vitamin C tablets that don't taste anything like oranges, despite what is implied on labels packaging. See you tomorrow!

Was it a dream?

Okay, this is very weird. I haven't had my coffee yet, so please bear with me. My partner has CBC radio 2 on her clock radio, so every morning it blasts at an ungodly hour to wake her up. Somehow I've learned how to ignore the noise and keep sleeping. But this morning when the alarm went off I sat bolt upright in bed. I heard my name mentioned! and my blog! ...not sure which one though, but something about how a woman and her partner... And then MY partner slapped the alarm!!! CRAP!

"Turn it back on; I think they were talking about me!" I had to say it at least three time, because, well, she had just woken up too, and she sleeps with earplugs. So she turns the radio back on, and yes, there are a few more seconds of talk that sound like they are talking about my story, 'Letting Go of Baggage'.

Holy Crap! So I have to know, and I've just spent an hour trying to find something on the radio channel's web-site that would explain why me or my story would be mentioned. Nothing. All I found was a phone number to call. I think it's a national one though, not local. So now I'm sitting here trying to decide whether or not I want to phone it, and risk finding out, and, telling whoever I'm speaking to, that I had just been waken up by a very vivid dream!

Please Don't Divorce Us

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

MMmmmmm!

Tom Foolery gave me an M!

The rules of the game are very simple: 1. Write about ten things that you love, or that have meaning for you that begin with the letter you've been given, and post it on your blog. 2 When someone who comments on the post tells you they'd like to play, you assign them a letter and the game continues.

My Marvelous list of M's

1. Magic - Something I will never stop believing in.
2. Motorcycles - One day I'll find one short enough for me to ride. :)
3. Mercy - No heart should be without this.
4 Make - Make right, make up, make out, make love, make believe, make a move, make a splash, make merry, make waves, make sure, make the grade, but never make due.
5 Momentum - can't stop now I'm on a roll.
6 Metaphors - It's late, and my brain's just too mushy to think of anything now, but I'm really mad about them.
7 Meaning - It's always there, you just have to look for it.
8 M & M's What Marvelous M list would be without M & M's Mmmmmmm! :).
9 My Mom
10 Me ... I'm working on this last one. :)

This blog measures up!

A few days ago, Jude honoured me with a This Blog Measures Up award, and to officially accept it, I have to do three things, 1. Say something nice to a man in my life, 2. List 6 ways you measure success in your life, and 3, choose five bloggers you think measure up, and pass the award onto them. ...Well, I’ve been putting this off because I honestly didn't know if I could fulfill my obligation to accept the award.

I don't have many men in my life - there's the guy at the corner store, my partner's brother, and her father, and one or two online friends, but that wasn’t the problem; I figured what the heck, the fellow I end up choosing to say something nice to would probably look at me quizzically for a few moments before or after he smiled, and then it would be over with. I mean, what harm would come of it, right? Most people think I’m a bit odd anyway.

The problem I’ve been having, however, is with the second part of the requirements. You see, I've been thinking that I've not been very successful in my life. I haven't done anything special really, I've not accomplished much of anything, I don’t have a job, other than my newspapers, - haven’t had one for nearly 20 years, and I've not even been able to live up to my own expectations and values, let alone anyone elses. How do I measure success if I feel I’ve not been successful?

I’ve been thinking about this, and it’s funny you know, how the stuff life throws at you seems to be so very relevant to where your head is at the time. It’s as if the mere act of your thinking somehow causes the universe to send you the resources you are needing to get on with your thoughts and consequently, your life. So I’ve been thinking about these things, and then last night, somewhere around eleven thirty it hit me; I've been measuring myself up to ideals not to reality. And I have many things I've yet to do before I can expect to live up to those ideals, and even if I'm never able to, success can still be measured by the acknowledgment of the effort put towards those goals.

My successes are my own no matter how small they may seem if I look at them out of context. They have to do with where I am now in my life, not where I hope to be at some future time. It is after all the journey that counts, and so without further explanation, here are six ways I recently have to measure success in my life.

1. The fact that I'm finally, after so many years of inaction, taking responsibility for my life and doing what I need to do to move ahead, one step at a time.

2. After 10 years of discord, my partner and I are finally getting along better than we ever have, and for the first time in our relationship we can both honestly say we are truly happy to be together.

3. Over these last four months I've written a couple of stories that I am very proud of. I've joined the Victoria Writer's Society, I've read one of my stories during an open mike night, and I've sent another off to a publisher, for approval or disapproval, come what may. I am taking steps to fulfill a promise that I've made to myself, that I will one day be a published writer.

4 I joined a local social group, and went to a party this past Friday night, without knowing anyone there, without my partner, who stayed at home with a cold, and, after having isolated myself for so long that I lost most, if not all, confidence in my ability to deal with face to face interaction. I had a wonderful time, and I volunteered to help the organizer of the group maintain a portion of the groups website, and I think I’ve met a few woman who could possibly become friends.

5. I have friends in my life who I know will be there for me when I need them, who have been there even when things have gotten rough, and who know themselves I will do the same for them however I can.

6 Well that's it; I’m afraid I’m unable to meet the numerical requirements of the award, but they are more than enough for me, because right now after having written this I'm feeling much better about myself, and the mere fact that I am now able to measure those successes in a realistic way, I think, is the biggest success of all. ... Oh, I guess that's number six. :)

Oh, I almost forgot, when I went to the corner store this morning, I told the fellow behind the counter that he was such a nice guy when he took three cents out of his own pocket to cover my having been short changed for my purchases. He smiled and said, “I try to be.” ... Three cents isn’t very much I know, but some people set such restriction on themselves and on others, that there’s no room for acceptance or charity.

Now comes the easy part of meeting the requirements to officially accept this award,, choosing five who I think measure up and passing on the award.

1 Annie, because her determination and passion for writing has been an inspiration to me and I am sure to so many others who read her blog.

2 Lane, because she has a wonderful way with words that comes from her heart, as well as from her astute observations and ability to translate what she sees into something we can all relate to, even if we’ve never experienced it before ourselves.

3 Helen, for being someone who’s living the life, but still doesn’t have an ounce of pretension, and is one of the sweetest, on the road to success, people I have ever met.

4 Tomfoolery, for having the soul of an artist, a poet, a writer, and, an all around very decent human being, who just happens to be very clever and witty in her communications with others. Not everyone misunderstands your meaning TF. :)

5 Gypsy, because I enjoy her photography, and because she was one of the women that I met at the party on Friday night, who I’d like to get to know better, and who for some reason, piped up while I was introducing myself, and told everyone that she thought my writing was great. Thank you Gypsy, you have no idea how that helped with my being able to relax and just be myself that night.

It's all in the title or the tag

I'm hoping to get some quality writing time in today, and I've newspapers to deliver and errands to do, so I probably won't have much time for blogging. ... But I just had to share this with you. My blog has been visited three times now by people having happened upon it through a google search for vibrating toothbrushes! LOL ... I'm thinking my next blog will be about something along the lines of how to get those nasty wine stains out of your carpet, or how to make microwave popcorn from bulk bought kernels, and a brown paper bag. :)

One story at a time.

My writing is for me! It's taken me along time to come to that conclusion, and exactly why that is. It's not just because I need people to tell me that I'm good at it, or that I have this compulsive urge for others to read my thoughts and opinions and validate them. It's for me because I have to prove to myself that I am worthy, that I have it in me to do something worth while.

Ultimately being patted on the back or having someone else agree or sympathize with you doesn't cut the mustard as far as boosting your own self-esteem. It's a quick fix, and even though we all need validation and support from our friends, the only thing that can really convince us of our own worth, is ourselves.

I believe writing is worthy work, I think (know) I am good at it, and I enjoy doing it, but I've been holding myself back for fear I'd let myself down. It's time I take responsibility for myself, and finally allow me to prove it to MYSELF, that I have what it takes, ... one story at a time....

Looking for flow

So I'm writing again, but it feels sort of like having my teeth pulled. Two days, five hundred words, and every paragraph pulled out of me with the resistance of a deeply rooted molar. ... Someone said not too long ago, in a comment on a blog post of mine, and I haven't taken the time to look back and find out who it was, but they gave me the advice to keep writing while the flow was hot, (paraphrased of course) and their words couldn't be more true.

Christmas happened, life's drama intervened, and before I knew it I had lost that edge. Now when I look at that list of story ideas that had me so excited before Christmas, I don't remember what it was that made me feel the way I did. I wrote two or three lined descriptions of what those stories would be about. I didn't have to write more because I had the rest in my head, it was all just bouncing around in there taking shape, growing in detail, just waiting for me to write it down so it could take on a life of it's own.

It's only been a month, but now those little details have fluttered away. Somehow I don't think that my having written a better description of what those stories would be about would have helped. What is missing now isn't a story line, or even the premise for the story. I'm not sure if I can explain it well enough, but it's the creative pull that I think every writer feels when they have a story in their head. You're in the middle of cooking a meal or maybe listening to someone tell you how their day's been, but you suddenly drift off into the world you are creating. It's as if the story refuses to stop being written, despite the inconvenience it causes you when you burn your pork chops or cause your partner to give you that look that says, you haven't been listening to me, have you.

It's not that I want to burn my dinner, or that I ever want to see that look on my partners face again, but I want that edge back.

So I'm going though the motions. I'm writing a story, probably the worse story I'll every write, but I know something from it will light that fuse again, and I'll be back in the flow soon enough. ... hopefully.