My apologies to anyone who's following this blog. If you are still interested in doing so, please write to me at darlevy@gmail.com and I will tell you how to. Patty Marie Claire Harrington, someone who has made herself an enemy of mine, has decided to involve herself in the problems I am having with my mother, and making this blog invitation only is the only way I know of to make her mind her own business.
I am very sorry.
goodbye.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Dear Mom
Dear Mom;
I am writing this in an attempt to release myself from the hurt and blame that you bestowed upon me when I visited you at the beginning of this Month, and I'm writing it in here instead of sending it to you, because I know it will fall on deaf ears, and you will not hear what I need to say.
I did not ruin the perfect visit that you had planned for me, as you said I did. I did not abuse you the whole time I was there, and I certainly am not responsible for the misery you experienced while I was growing up. I was just a child; I wasn't suppose to be responsible for anything but growing up; it was suppose to be the other way around.
I did not mean to insult you by telling you that your snoring was keeping me awake. I would not have said anything except for the fact that after a long day of traveling, the four hours time difference, and three nights of not being able to sleep, I was exhausted and at my wits end. I badly needed a good nights sleep, and because you told me I was also keeping you awake with my snoring when I finally did sleep, I did not see any harm with suggesting that I move to the living room. I had no idea my suggestion would be such a problem for you.
After you went to sleep with Andre out in the living room on the pull-out couch, I had every right to close the bedroom door to afford myself some privacy. I am an adult, and it was my business if I wanted to put up with the air not circulating into that room well enough to keep it at optimal temperature. Neither you or Andre had any right to scream at me as if I were some errant child to "leave the fucking door open!" ... And when you finally DID allow me to sleep on the couch, after a couple nights of it hurting your back so much that you couldn't bear it any longer, I did not break it because I was 'too big for it', like you said I would.
Despite what you and Dr. Oz say about anti-depressants destroying your brain, I will continue to take what my doctor has prescribed for me because I feel they help me. This however, is not meant in anyway as a slight to you, even though you stated it very clearly that I was wrong and that I will one day regret not listening to my mother.
When I disagreed with you that having already paid for the use of the Queens name was the reason three Canadian cities called their hospitals: The Queen Elizabeth 2, I was not implying, thinking, or meaning to say that you were stupid. I am so very sorry you took it so. I believe that people can have different opinions and not think each other stupid. I am 53 years old and I have lived long enough to have developed my own opinions separate from yours, but that does not mean that I don't respect your opinion, or you, for that matter. Please believe this.
I did not develop an allergy to frangrances just to cause you and Andre grief, and the allergic reaction I had while there was not not meant to slight you in anyway. I fail to understand why it angered you both so very much. I've had these allergies for a long time now, and you knew I had them, yet you did nothing to prepare for my visit, and then you act as if I've made an imposition. Once I noticed that I was having a problem I upped my daily dose of antihistamine. I did not ask you stop washing your hair because of fragrance in your shampoo, and I felt it was very hurtful of you to use that as an excuse why you couldn't take me into town to see my father on my last day there.
Despite what you think, I AM worth you letting me use your fragrance free laundry detergent, and I AM worth sharing your expensive healthy margarine with. If healthy is good for you, then it's just as good for me. I am your daughter, you're suppose to want to share the good things with me, not tell me that I'm not good enough to.
I am sorry I didn't turn out the way you wanted me too. I am sorry I not a good enough daughter; I am sorry that I was ever born. There, is that apology enough for you?
I am having a really bad day.
I am writing this in an attempt to release myself from the hurt and blame that you bestowed upon me when I visited you at the beginning of this Month, and I'm writing it in here instead of sending it to you, because I know it will fall on deaf ears, and you will not hear what I need to say.
I did not ruin the perfect visit that you had planned for me, as you said I did. I did not abuse you the whole time I was there, and I certainly am not responsible for the misery you experienced while I was growing up. I was just a child; I wasn't suppose to be responsible for anything but growing up; it was suppose to be the other way around.
I did not mean to insult you by telling you that your snoring was keeping me awake. I would not have said anything except for the fact that after a long day of traveling, the four hours time difference, and three nights of not being able to sleep, I was exhausted and at my wits end. I badly needed a good nights sleep, and because you told me I was also keeping you awake with my snoring when I finally did sleep, I did not see any harm with suggesting that I move to the living room. I had no idea my suggestion would be such a problem for you.
After you went to sleep with Andre out in the living room on the pull-out couch, I had every right to close the bedroom door to afford myself some privacy. I am an adult, and it was my business if I wanted to put up with the air not circulating into that room well enough to keep it at optimal temperature. Neither you or Andre had any right to scream at me as if I were some errant child to "leave the fucking door open!" ... And when you finally DID allow me to sleep on the couch, after a couple nights of it hurting your back so much that you couldn't bear it any longer, I did not break it because I was 'too big for it', like you said I would.
Despite what you and Dr. Oz say about anti-depressants destroying your brain, I will continue to take what my doctor has prescribed for me because I feel they help me. This however, is not meant in anyway as a slight to you, even though you stated it very clearly that I was wrong and that I will one day regret not listening to my mother.
When I disagreed with you that having already paid for the use of the Queens name was the reason three Canadian cities called their hospitals: The Queen Elizabeth 2, I was not implying, thinking, or meaning to say that you were stupid. I am so very sorry you took it so. I believe that people can have different opinions and not think each other stupid. I am 53 years old and I have lived long enough to have developed my own opinions separate from yours, but that does not mean that I don't respect your opinion, or you, for that matter. Please believe this.
I did not develop an allergy to frangrances just to cause you and Andre grief, and the allergic reaction I had while there was not not meant to slight you in anyway. I fail to understand why it angered you both so very much. I've had these allergies for a long time now, and you knew I had them, yet you did nothing to prepare for my visit, and then you act as if I've made an imposition. Once I noticed that I was having a problem I upped my daily dose of antihistamine. I did not ask you stop washing your hair because of fragrance in your shampoo, and I felt it was very hurtful of you to use that as an excuse why you couldn't take me into town to see my father on my last day there.
Despite what you think, I AM worth you letting me use your fragrance free laundry detergent, and I AM worth sharing your expensive healthy margarine with. If healthy is good for you, then it's just as good for me. I am your daughter, you're suppose to want to share the good things with me, not tell me that I'm not good enough to.
I am sorry I didn't turn out the way you wanted me too. I am sorry I not a good enough daughter; I am sorry that I was ever born. There, is that apology enough for you?
I am having a really bad day.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Good intentions
Today is my last day in Nova Scotia. I had planned to say goodbye to my Father, but my Mom told me, after it was too late to catch the last bus into town, that she didn't say she would drive me like I thought she had, said she's taken me in enough. I don't know if my being there made any difference to my Dad, and now my Mom is telling me that I am driving her crazy enough for her to kill herself and that I wouldn't care if she did, and that I was the one that made her life a living hell when I was growing up.
This trip was a mistake.
- Written on April 8th, but not published until today. - Sometimes it IS necessary to say things that might hurt another, especially when that other has burdened you with guilt and you want to free yourself from it.
This trip was a mistake.
- Written on April 8th, but not published until today. - Sometimes it IS necessary to say things that might hurt another, especially when that other has burdened you with guilt and you want to free yourself from it.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Self-defining
I think I had to come back home to realize just how much I am no longer defined by my past, how far I've come, and how strong I really am.
I can forgive my father because he no longer has any power over me. It's not just that he is old and weak and dying, or that he's not the same man he once was, it's more to do with the changes that have occurred in me. The power of who I am belongs to me now. I now make the choices that define who I am, and the choices I've made, make it so that I can see him for who he is now, and forgive him for a past that no longer exists.
I can forgive my father because he no longer has any power over me. It's not just that he is old and weak and dying, or that he's not the same man he once was, it's more to do with the changes that have occurred in me. The power of who I am belongs to me now. I now make the choices that define who I am, and the choices I've made, make it so that I can see him for who he is now, and forgive him for a past that no longer exists.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Letting the past go
Well, I phoned my Father, and I forgave him the moment I heard his voice.
I was halfway there by the time I had made the decision to call him. I thought about what it would be like to die with regret, knowing that your family didn't even care enough to say goodbye to you, and I thought that would be a terrible way for anyone to die. If that was how my Father was feeling, then I wasn't going to be the one responsible for him having to take it to his grave. Death is so final, ya know? So I phoned.
I expected him to say something sarcastic and mean to me when he answered the phone, but he didn't; he even thanked me, twice, something that I don't ever remember him doing before, and the second time sounded sincere enough for me to believe that he was thanking me for forgiving him. Suddenly the power had shifted; he no longer held it over me. The hate I had been carrying around for years just vanished. It just disappeared, just like that. Poof!
It's true you know what they say about feeling lighter when you let the past go and you forgive someone. It really is. - I don't condone what he did to his family, to me and my Mom especially, but he's not the same man he use to be. He's old and he's dying, and he's grateful for what he receives - I just got off the phone with him now, and he thanked me again. It blows me away every time I hear it.
Today he asked me if I was home yet. I thought at first that he was a little confused, so I explained that I was home, here in Victoria. He then told me that 'they', I think he meant my brother and his wife, had told him that I was coming to visit, so the home he was talking about was there in Nova Scotia, in Halifax, with him. When I told him I didn't know if I could come, he said "Oh well", but I could hear the disappointment in his voice plain as day...
I was halfway there by the time I had made the decision to call him. I thought about what it would be like to die with regret, knowing that your family didn't even care enough to say goodbye to you, and I thought that would be a terrible way for anyone to die. If that was how my Father was feeling, then I wasn't going to be the one responsible for him having to take it to his grave. Death is so final, ya know? So I phoned.
I expected him to say something sarcastic and mean to me when he answered the phone, but he didn't; he even thanked me, twice, something that I don't ever remember him doing before, and the second time sounded sincere enough for me to believe that he was thanking me for forgiving him. Suddenly the power had shifted; he no longer held it over me. The hate I had been carrying around for years just vanished. It just disappeared, just like that. Poof!
It's true you know what they say about feeling lighter when you let the past go and you forgive someone. It really is. - I don't condone what he did to his family, to me and my Mom especially, but he's not the same man he use to be. He's old and he's dying, and he's grateful for what he receives - I just got off the phone with him now, and he thanked me again. It blows me away every time I hear it.
Today he asked me if I was home yet. I thought at first that he was a little confused, so I explained that I was home, here in Victoria. He then told me that 'they', I think he meant my brother and his wife, had told him that I was coming to visit, so the home he was talking about was there in Nova Scotia, in Halifax, with him. When I told him I didn't know if I could come, he said "Oh well", but I could hear the disappointment in his voice plain as day...
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Mantra, part II
iPod wallpaper - I see this everytime I turn my ipod on or wake it from sleep. It feels a little silly, but it seems to be doing the trick. :)
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Indecision
So my father's collapsed, and is now in the hospital. he's just been diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. ... I haven't talked to him in over fifteen years, and now he's dying. My Mom says he could go any minute. She thinks I should phone him.
... Maybe I should phone him, but I don't know what to say. What do you say to your abusive father who's about to die? Part of me actually is thinking 'good riddance'; the other part doesn't really know what to think.
... Maybe I should phone him, but I don't know what to say. What do you say to your abusive father who's about to die? Part of me actually is thinking 'good riddance'; the other part doesn't really know what to think.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Mantra
Usually when things are going well, I don't have much to say. The need to express myself isn't so keen then, and I'd rather submerge myself in the living of my life than take the time to write about it. But for me, writing things down seems to help make them more concrete. Not only do I spend that time focused on the thought, but the act of writing it out clearly enough for another to understand, clarifies it for myself as well. New thoughts become familiar ones that way, and these days, I'm certainly delving into unfamiliar territory, so I figure, I'd better take the time to write this out and make it real.
My counselling sessions with my Therapist are going very well. We talk about everything, from how to keep my hurt inner child from driving the bus, to whether or not a healthy ego is needed to reach spiritual enlightenment. - Much of what I held onto for years as truth has been challenged and I've had to discard it. - New thoughts are replacing old ones, road blocks are being destroyed, and my Therapist's voice is becoming part of what I now hear, as I forge new ways of thinking about myself and the world.
This week I have homework. I'm to do two things: one: I am to note whenever I hear that demeaning voice inside my head, write down what it says and then challenge it, and two: find myself a pithy little mantra that I can quickly use to challenge said thoughts in the future. The theory is that the more you think something, the more real it becomes for you. Sort of like how I got here in the first place, only this time with a positive twist.
So I was thinking about this mantra business and I thought maybe it should be something along the lines of "I am worthy" Nah, I said to myself, that's too general, ... How about "I am worthy of being loved" getting closer, but still I thought, there's something missing. And then it came to me: 'I am worth loving' and I then felt that familiar tightness in the back of my throat, and I knew I had hit the nail on the head.
You may think the two things are equal, that being worthy of love, and being worth loving is one in the same, but the first is a definite; it doesn't depend on an outside source, it's dependent on the fact that all people deserve to be loved, and they do. The latter however, well, that depends wholly on the individual doing the loving, and in my experience, in other people's eyes, I've always seem to fall short.
All though my childhood, my father told me that there was something wrong with me, that I was too deep, that I was too much, that I wasn't worth anything more than his laughter and contempt. I've always tried to be a good person - a worthy person, maybe I've been trying to prove him wrong, I don't know, but it seems that no matter how good I've been, how wide I've opened my heart, or how deeply I love, there's always a reason why those I do love leave me, and each time someone does, it confirms what my father repeatedly told me, that I'm not worth loving.
... It's taken me a long time to write this blog post, each time I come to this point I get stuck in the emotion of it, and I have to take a break to regain control. It's still with me; it's not my words, not my opinion, and now I don't even believe it's the opinion of the friends that have left me, but even though I've fought it all my life, there's still something deep inside that keeps telling me that there is something intrinsically wrong with me! I hear it in every rejection, in every slight, and every time someone I care about doesn't have time for me; I am too deep, too sensitive, too stupid, too much. I am not worth loving.
But the thing is, I've been working on these things with my Therapist, and I've been making progress. I've not been allowing myself to think that every time someone doesn't have time for me it means that they are thinking I'm not worth their time. I've been refusing to believe that every imagined slight is anything more than my being more sensitive than the other about such things. I've not been letting myself react to what I would have seen in the past as rejection, because I now know that the stories I tell myself aren't always true, and my reacting as if they are turns me into someone I don't want to be. It's tough, mindful work, but it's obviously been worth it because I haven't offended a friend since I began therapy, and I haven't heard that demeaning voice that my Therapist told me to watch out for all week. so there has to be something more, doesn't there? I mean, I know that voice is still there just waiting for me to let down my guard...
I'm always amazed at how the otherwise unrelated events in my life always seem relevant to what's happening with me at the time... a couple of days ago a friend shared this inspirational message on his Facebook page. "she decided to see how her life would change if she dropped the assumption she needed fixing." - It made me chuckle at first. If we have to tell ourselves these things in the first place, I thought, it means that something needs to be fixed, and I wondered what my Therapist would say about this idea... Not only does it seem too simple a solution, it would put him out of a job if everyone discovered this secret. - And then I heard his words, plain as day inside of my head. - I could be poetic here and say that his voice rose up out of the muddle of my cluttered psyche, but to be honest, I simply remembered what he's been telling me, and so it went something like this:
It's not your fault. You are not what needs to be fixed. It's the programming that you were given that's faulty. It's not you.
It's not me. I'm not what needs fixing. You can not imagine how many times I've heard that there is something WRONG with ME. I grew up hearing it almost daily, and every time I've had a falling out with a friend or loved one, their telling me that its my fault, that I have a problem cuts into the core of my being so deeply I feel sometimes that there's nothing left of me but raw open wounds and half healed scars. Heck, I'm seeing a Therapist because there's something wrong with me. I believe it!
But how would my life change if I dropped the assumption that I needed fixing? What if I simply stop believing that if I lose a friend it's my fault? What would happen if I told that voice hiding inside of me waiting for me to let my guard down, waiting for me to be vulnerable so that it can break into it's chorus of 'I told you so's, that I won't listen to it anymore, that I will no longer believe what it's been telling me? Is it that simple?
Well, I guess I'm about to find out, because I now have that mantra that my Therapist suggested I find. It's a little long, and it may get shortened with time, but right now I think it's important that I address the true cause of my problems:
"Go away old man I'm not listening to you anymore. There's nothing wrong with me. The problem's been you all along."
My counselling sessions with my Therapist are going very well. We talk about everything, from how to keep my hurt inner child from driving the bus, to whether or not a healthy ego is needed to reach spiritual enlightenment. - Much of what I held onto for years as truth has been challenged and I've had to discard it. - New thoughts are replacing old ones, road blocks are being destroyed, and my Therapist's voice is becoming part of what I now hear, as I forge new ways of thinking about myself and the world.
So I was thinking about this mantra business and I thought maybe it should be something along the lines of "I am worthy" Nah, I said to myself, that's too general, ... How about "I am worthy of being loved" getting closer, but still I thought, there's something missing. And then it came to me: 'I am worth loving' and I then felt that familiar tightness in the back of my throat, and I knew I had hit the nail on the head.
You may think the two things are equal, that being worthy of love, and being worth loving is one in the same, but the first is a definite; it doesn't depend on an outside source, it's dependent on the fact that all people deserve to be loved, and they do. The latter however, well, that depends wholly on the individual doing the loving, and in my experience, in other people's eyes, I've always seem to fall short.
All though my childhood, my father told me that there was something wrong with me, that I was too deep, that I was too much, that I wasn't worth anything more than his laughter and contempt. I've always tried to be a good person - a worthy person, maybe I've been trying to prove him wrong, I don't know, but it seems that no matter how good I've been, how wide I've opened my heart, or how deeply I love, there's always a reason why those I do love leave me, and each time someone does, it confirms what my father repeatedly told me, that I'm not worth loving.
... It's taken me a long time to write this blog post, each time I come to this point I get stuck in the emotion of it, and I have to take a break to regain control. It's still with me; it's not my words, not my opinion, and now I don't even believe it's the opinion of the friends that have left me, but even though I've fought it all my life, there's still something deep inside that keeps telling me that there is something intrinsically wrong with me! I hear it in every rejection, in every slight, and every time someone I care about doesn't have time for me; I am too deep, too sensitive, too stupid, too much. I am not worth loving.
But the thing is, I've been working on these things with my Therapist, and I've been making progress. I've not been allowing myself to think that every time someone doesn't have time for me it means that they are thinking I'm not worth their time. I've been refusing to believe that every imagined slight is anything more than my being more sensitive than the other about such things. I've not been letting myself react to what I would have seen in the past as rejection, because I now know that the stories I tell myself aren't always true, and my reacting as if they are turns me into someone I don't want to be. It's tough, mindful work, but it's obviously been worth it because I haven't offended a friend since I began therapy, and I haven't heard that demeaning voice that my Therapist told me to watch out for all week. so there has to be something more, doesn't there? I mean, I know that voice is still there just waiting for me to let down my guard...
I'm always amazed at how the otherwise unrelated events in my life always seem relevant to what's happening with me at the time... a couple of days ago a friend shared this inspirational message on his Facebook page. "she decided to see how her life would change if she dropped the assumption she needed fixing." - It made me chuckle at first. If we have to tell ourselves these things in the first place, I thought, it means that something needs to be fixed, and I wondered what my Therapist would say about this idea... Not only does it seem too simple a solution, it would put him out of a job if everyone discovered this secret. - And then I heard his words, plain as day inside of my head. - I could be poetic here and say that his voice rose up out of the muddle of my cluttered psyche, but to be honest, I simply remembered what he's been telling me, and so it went something like this:
It's not your fault. You are not what needs to be fixed. It's the programming that you were given that's faulty. It's not you.
It's not me. I'm not what needs fixing. You can not imagine how many times I've heard that there is something WRONG with ME. I grew up hearing it almost daily, and every time I've had a falling out with a friend or loved one, their telling me that its my fault, that I have a problem cuts into the core of my being so deeply I feel sometimes that there's nothing left of me but raw open wounds and half healed scars. Heck, I'm seeing a Therapist because there's something wrong with me. I believe it!
But how would my life change if I dropped the assumption that I needed fixing? What if I simply stop believing that if I lose a friend it's my fault? What would happen if I told that voice hiding inside of me waiting for me to let my guard down, waiting for me to be vulnerable so that it can break into it's chorus of 'I told you so's, that I won't listen to it anymore, that I will no longer believe what it's been telling me? Is it that simple?
Well, I guess I'm about to find out, because I now have that mantra that my Therapist suggested I find. It's a little long, and it may get shortened with time, but right now I think it's important that I address the true cause of my problems:
"Go away old man I'm not listening to you anymore. There's nothing wrong with me. The problem's been you all along."
Sunday, February 17, 2013
loneliness
Sometimes, like tonight, I think there will never be an end to this loneliness that I feel, that the close connection with another that I so crave will always elude me.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Free and easy vs committed friendship
I just woke up, right up from a dead sleep, or what I thought was one, to this thought: "I've got free and easy up the ying-yang, what am I doing looking to have more of that in my life?"
No offense to anyone I've been talking to recently about the subject; I do love you and appreciate your friendships very much, but my problem isn't that I need more free and easy. I've got over one hundred friends on Facebook, and no offense to any of them either; I think it's great that we can connect the way we do. There's a certain intimacy to the availability of the communication we share, something I think we all crave, but I want and need something more in my life as well, at least from a specific few.
The thing is, I make a commitment in my heart to the friends that I love, whether you are online or not, and whether I tell you or not, chances are that I have, I promise you that I will be there for you however I can, and it's not just a responsibility to me, it's a joy and a pleasure.
I'm not a free and easy come and go friend; I am a committed friend. I promise you that I will do the best I can to provide you with the things that you need from our friendship, and no matter what happens in my life, even if it's a problem between the two of us, I make certain that you know that you are a priority of mine.
No offense meant to anyone, but more free and easy is not what I need right now. I need friends that won't disappear out of my life because the important things in their life demand their attention. I need friends that want me to know that I am an important part of their life just like those other things, and I need friends that have no problem telling me this. This is what's lacking in my life, and I don't believe there is something wrong with me because I need theses thing. I think everyone does.
Please don't get me wrong, I so very much appreciate the friendships and connections I have made here online. I met my wife on a newsgroup, so I know that real and devoted friendships can happen here. We are all 'real' people after all. But, - and I'm not certain if its a sign of the times or if its specific to the online communities, from where I sit there doesn't seem to be a lot of commitment made here. Again no disrespect meant, but how can you tell someone that they are a real friend if you can't give them something of that commitment, and how can someone believe they are important to you when everything in your concrete life takes precedence over them?
My reason for writing this is not to say that my online friendships aren't good enough, (believe me, somedays I don't know what I'd do without you), but to confirm, to myself more than anyone else, that I should be able to expect a higher level of commitment from some.
If that's not you, please don't be offended by this post, but I need to put my energy into finding and making those friendships, because right now, that's what's lacking in my life, and I deserve to have it.
No offense to anyone I've been talking to recently about the subject; I do love you and appreciate your friendships very much, but my problem isn't that I need more free and easy. I've got over one hundred friends on Facebook, and no offense to any of them either; I think it's great that we can connect the way we do. There's a certain intimacy to the availability of the communication we share, something I think we all crave, but I want and need something more in my life as well, at least from a specific few.
The thing is, I make a commitment in my heart to the friends that I love, whether you are online or not, and whether I tell you or not, chances are that I have, I promise you that I will be there for you however I can, and it's not just a responsibility to me, it's a joy and a pleasure.
I'm not a free and easy come and go friend; I am a committed friend. I promise you that I will do the best I can to provide you with the things that you need from our friendship, and no matter what happens in my life, even if it's a problem between the two of us, I make certain that you know that you are a priority of mine.
No offense meant to anyone, but more free and easy is not what I need right now. I need friends that won't disappear out of my life because the important things in their life demand their attention. I need friends that want me to know that I am an important part of their life just like those other things, and I need friends that have no problem telling me this. This is what's lacking in my life, and I don't believe there is something wrong with me because I need theses thing. I think everyone does.
Please don't get me wrong, I so very much appreciate the friendships and connections I have made here online. I met my wife on a newsgroup, so I know that real and devoted friendships can happen here. We are all 'real' people after all. But, - and I'm not certain if its a sign of the times or if its specific to the online communities, from where I sit there doesn't seem to be a lot of commitment made here. Again no disrespect meant, but how can you tell someone that they are a real friend if you can't give them something of that commitment, and how can someone believe they are important to you when everything in your concrete life takes precedence over them?
My reason for writing this is not to say that my online friendships aren't good enough, (believe me, somedays I don't know what I'd do without you), but to confirm, to myself more than anyone else, that I should be able to expect a higher level of commitment from some.
If that's not you, please don't be offended by this post, but I need to put my energy into finding and making those friendships, because right now, that's what's lacking in my life, and I deserve to have it.
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