loneliness

Sometimes, like tonight, I think there will never be an end to this loneliness that I feel, that the close connection with another that I so crave will always elude me.

Free and easy vs committed friendship

I just woke up, right up from a dead sleep, or what I thought was one, to this thought: "I've got free and easy up the ying-yang, what am I doing looking to have more of that in my life?"

No offense to anyone I've been talking to recently about the subject; I do love you and appreciate your friendships very much, but my problem isn't that I need more free and easy. I've got over one hundred friends on Facebook, and no offense to any of them either; I think it's great that we can connect the way we do. There's a certain intimacy to the availability of the communication we share, something I think we all crave, but I want and need something more in my life as well, at least from a specific few.

The thing is, I make a commitment in my heart to the friends that I love, whether you are online or not, and whether I tell you or not, chances are that I have, I promise you that I will be there for you however I can, and it's not just a responsibility to me, it's a joy and a pleasure.

I'm not a free and easy come and go friend; I am a committed friend. I promise you that I will do the best I can to provide you with the things that you need from our friendship, and no matter what happens in my life, even if it's a problem between the two of us, I make certain that you know that you are a priority of mine.

No offense meant to anyone, but more free and easy is not what I need right now. I need friends that won't disappear out of my life because the important things in their life demand their attention. I need friends that want me to know that I am an important part of their life just like those other things, and I need friends that have no problem telling me this. This is what's lacking in my life, and I don't believe there is something wrong with me because I need theses thing. I think everyone does.

Please don't get me wrong, I so very much appreciate the friendships and connections I have made here online. I met my wife on a newsgroup, so I know that real and devoted friendships can happen here. We are all 'real' people after all. But, - and I'm not certain if its a sign of the times or if its specific to the online communities, from where I sit there doesn't seem to be a lot of commitment made here. Again no disrespect meant, but how can you tell someone that they are a real friend if you can't give them something of that commitment, and how can someone believe they are important to you when everything in your concrete life takes precedence over them?
My reason for writing this is not to say that my online friendships aren't good enough, (believe me, somedays I don't know what I'd do without you), but to confirm, to myself more than anyone else, that I should be able to expect a higher level of commitment from some.

If that's not you, please don't be offended by this post, but I need to put my energy into finding and making those friendships, because right now, that's what's lacking in my life, and I deserve to have it.

Sabotage, or foreword thinking?

I'm wondering if I reveal so much about myself at the beginning, so that I don't have to suffer the rejection later, when my heart is involved.

Progress

So my Therapist tells me that my sensitivity, the breadth and depth of the emotions I feel is part of my personality. The fact that I feel things deeply is who I am, and that is not going to change no matter how much therapy I undergo.

Some, those who exist in a very limited range of emotions, may think that what I feel extends beyond the limits of control,  but I have never crossed the lines into impulsive or reckless behaviour, and I have never, not since I started taking anti depressants three years ago, sunk into despair enough to withdraw from the world.  If I were to draw you a diagram of the range of emotions I feel, I think it would be almost twice as wide and with twice as much oscillation than that of the average person.

But because I am different from the norm, I shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for it. And no one has the right to tell me that I have to change how I am to fit into their idea of what they think is the proper way to behave, or tell me that I am not being responsible if I give myself permission to feel the way I do or express those feelings.  I feel things deeply and this is part of who I am; it is my nature, and basically what you see is what you get. I will never again let anyone tell me that there is something wrong with me because I am different from them...

But having said that, I have felt many strong emotions because my thoughts have mislead me, and  I have been so preoccupied with always telling the truth, I didn't take the time to consider how very subjective my truth can be, to the point where it actually becomes a falsehood.

 Grant it, I do realize that we all see things though our own eyes, and all truths are to a certain degree, subjective, but what I didn't realize was how profoundly my past could colour how I interpret the world around me. So for a very long time I've been reacting to these misleading stories of mine as if they were the truth and that I had no other choice but to tell it.

I can best describe the discontinuity between what is real, and the stories I've been telling myself, by describing something that happened last week:   A friend of mine is recovering from an operation. She is experiencing a lot of pain and so her stress tolerance is  low. After a misunderstanding between her and I, and a confrontation with another, she told me that it was all too much for her and that she was going to take a break from being online.  I agreed that it was a good idea; I didn't like seeing her stressed like that when she should be resting and healing, and I didn't like it that I was partly to blame.  So I told her that she should take care of herself, and that I would use the time to practice becoming aware of when it was that I start thinking that she (or any friend) is not communicating with me because she (or they), want to back out of our friendship. (If you have been reading my blog, and I'm not sure anyone really has, except maybe a bunch of bots in Russia, you'll know that I've been seeing a Therapist because I've been having a problem with maintaining close friendships, and it became quite obvious to me that my reactions to what I falsely see as signs that those I love are leaving me, is the reason for this.)

So like I was saying, I was happy to let my friend disappear out of my awareness for a time, knowing that she was doing so because it was something she needed to do. I was completely aware that her  reasons for this were because of her low tolerance to stress, and that it was a good idea for her to be calm and quiet so that she could concentrate on her recovery, and I agreed whole-heartedly, wanting nothing more than for her to get well and strong again.  But not more then twenty minutes had passed since I had talked to her about it, that I started thinking that I wasn't good enough to be in her life. ... If I was,  she would want to remain in contact with me because doing so would help her through this difficult time. ... Not twenty minutes, and the doubt inside of me started to eat away at my understanding and resolve to be a good friend.

The idea that I wasn't good enough didn't come from her; she didn't say a word to imply it.  And it really didn't come from me either; it came from my past. My father had planted that thought into me, programmed me with idea that I wasn't worthy of his attention, that I was contemptible, that I was too deep, too much, too stupid, something to be scorned and laughed at, not loved...  (breathe...) ... and so whenever I up the ante in a friendship, I start believing that those I've come to care about will think these things of me, and I see the signs of this subjective truth every time there's an ebb in a close friendship, every time the connection is stretched, every time I am left alone.

The change over from rational, understanding adult, to anxious and self-absorbed child has in the past happened so quickly, so seamlessly, that I've been unaware of the change. Usually the story continues with my feeling so shameful of my unworthiness that the only way I can cope with it is to defend myself against the person who I think is seeing me as unworthy - the friend who I think is trying to back away. (flight or fight response) I'd stew on it for what seems like a very long time, (in reality only a few short hours, or a three quarters of a day at the most) and then confront them with their insult, rejection, disrespect, - however it is that I am interpreting it at the time.  And they, unaware of the story that's been playing out in my head, are confused and hurt by my accusations. They object, and I immediately come back into my adult self,  and in turn, I feel shameful that I treated them so terribly, adding yet another layer to my unworthiness.

But this time, because I've been talking for a couple of weeks to my Therapist about these alternate realities and because I am now seeing them for the false truths that they really are, I caught the moment where the change over from rational understanding adult to anxious child was about to occur, and I stopped it from happening.  I admit, there was a bit of a back and forth, a struggle to determine who was going to drive the bus, but ultimately, the adult won.

My Therapist thought this was wonderful news, but I need it to somehow become part of my reality outside of his office for it to be real.  ... I told my partner, but I don't think she's into this psychology stuff enough to realize how big of a moment this is. The fact that I was able to stop that old tape from playing again gives me hope that I will be able to control this thing that I do, and once and for all, get my fathers voice out of my head!

I need to share this achievement with someone, and for some reason writing it down makes it more concrete for me.  ... Whoever you are, and if you are anyone at all, thank you for reading. I really appreciate thinking that I have someone to share this good news with.

Needing a lift off this highway to unworthy

I thought I was doing alright not having anyone to talk to. I'm keeping my house clean, putting a big effort into my church's weekly newsletter, doing 30 minutes/10 km a day on my exercise bike, and I'm enjoying photographing the birds at my feeders, but it's all too quiet. There's only so much me time a person can take. Like everyone, I need intimate interaction with others to maintain a balance, and right now I am feeling so lonely and isolated it's hard not to feel sorry for myself.

Turns out that I don't have BPD after all, just an attachment theory problem that causes me to believe that every time I love someone they will find me unworthy of their regard.  Unless the other needs me in some way, I don't feel secure in the relationship. Plain and simply, I expect from the world what I got from my parents. It's what I was taught to expect.  It's not exactly hard wired, it's not part of my personality, but it was programmed into me at an early age, and I haven't exactly had a lot of close friends who've managed to stay the course long enough to change that theory.  Truth is I scare them all away when they see what they think is my over reacting to what I'm thinking is a sign of their disregard.  They pull away, I panic, I try to stop them from leaving; they pull away some more... It's my worse nightmare come true, and it happens again again.  ...I don't think people would think it was over reacting if they experienced what I do.

According to my Therapist this path of expectation is so huge, so well worn, it's a honking big highway, and I can't see any other way because I'm stuck right in the damn middle of it, already half way there to unworthy and "good-bye, it was nice knowing ya".  With my Therapist's help, I've gotta somehow make myself take another route, start forging another path, and then little by little make that path broad and deep enough to provide me with an alternate route, a choice.

At this point though, all I can see in the isolation I feel.  It's so heavy and thick tonight that I can taste it in the back of my throat.  I can't see how I'm going to learn how to stop myself from thinking that those I come to love are going to find me unworthy and then leave me, when nearly everyone of them has already left, and those that haven't, are keeping a safe distance between me and them.

I remember when I was a teenager, if I wanted to see my friends  I'd have to hitch hike to the town where they lived. Sometimes I'd have to walk for hours on an unlit bit of road, feeling a bit frightened and very much alone...

Do you think if I stick out my thumb long enough, someone will come along and give me a lift?

Why is it so hard?

So I go to my church, and there I learn about all the good things that come from opening our hearts and giving, about how this allows us to be our best selves, and I think to myself, yes, this is who I am, this is what I do best. I am worthy.

And then I remember the friends that I have lost because being my friend was too difficult for them, and about how I'm staying away from someone I love because she isn't well and having me in her life is too stressful for her. :(

So then I wonder why I let myself believe that I was good enough to consider myself worthy if I can't even give those I love enough reason to keep me around.

Why is it so difficult for me, when I try so very hard?

For their own good.

Leaving someone you care about alone because they are better off without you, has gotta be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I'm feeling better

I made an appointment to see a Registered Clinical Counsellor on Monday Night. So I have hope again. :)

Heck of a predicament for a 'people person' to be in

I went to see the counsellor that The Citizens Counselling Centre set me up with, and I'm disappointed.

We talked for an hour, about what I wanted from the sessions, about my growing up, about my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my wife - getting to know me kind of stuff. ... Anyway, when we were finished I asked what her credentials were. She told me she was just a counsellor, not a  registered counsellor, not a clinical counsellor, but someone just finishing up her social workers degree, trained by the Centre, to, as she put it, give back to society.

When I mentioned I identified strongly with at least three of the symptoms of BPD, and somewhat with 2 others, possibly adding up to the 5 symptoms needed to diagnose someone with the disorder. She told me she wouldn't be able to do that, that she was someone I could talk to and that was basically it.  She told me that a lot can be accomplished by becoming aware of a problem. I told her that being 'aware' out here in the quiet and the calm, hasn't really had that much affect on my behaviour when I've lost control of my emotions, and I'm feeling that the things I say and do are the only way I know how to cope. (Scary stuff, huh?)  Yeah, I need therapy, not counselling.

I was under the impression that I could at least be diagnosed enough at the centre to be referred to some other place, or someone else who better suited my needs, but it looks like that's not about to happen.

The woman I saw tonight suggested that if that is what I wanted, I should make an appointment with my medical doctor, and get a referral from her to be seen by a professional who could make a diagnoses, which could take a very long time before I even get to see that someone.

I don't know what to do.

I've looked up Registered Clinical Counsellors in Victoria, and there are three listed who say they know something about BPD, and only one who says they use Dialectical behaviour therapy, (that which has been proven to be most effective on BPD symptoms). All say they have a sliding fee, but two say their average fee is $100 to $110 an hour, and the one who does DBT, her average fee is listed as $100 - $150 an hour. I can't afford that, we can't afford that.  .... I don't even understand how anyone could.

... There's a Clinical Counsellor in the same building as the Citizens Counselling Centre. He has a sliding scale fee. Based on our income, it would be about $60 an hour , which we could just afford,  but he doesn't list BPD as something he deals with, and doesn't offer any of the therapies that are know as being affective in treating the symptoms.

Even if I am diagnosed with BPD, private therapy is not covered by the provincial health insurance, unless it is given by a psychologist who works for a government institution, hospital, community clinic, or school, again, another waiting list. -  Right about then I'd be hoping for a full Borderline Personality Disorder diagnose so that I'd qualify for assistance, otherwise, I'd have to have a private health insurance plan to cover the bill, and it's been two years and I still haven't convinced my partner to take the time to add me to her plan.  I don't even know what's covered under it.

I don't know what to do.  Right now it seems that the only real solution is to avoid developing  close friendships where my need for connection maybe satisfied; that way I won't fear losing them, and then push them away with my inappropriate attempts to keep them from leaving me.

Heck of a predicament for a 'people person' to be in.

Self expression