A new day, a new beginning

Screw it!

The words around the diamond say: Do what you want!; Be good to yourself!;
Treat yourself well!, and: Seize the moment!

Found this wine in the liquor store tonight. It's seems an appropriate wine to say good riddance to this past month with.

I don't like myself much when I'm hurting and defensive; I'm not proud of who I become when I allow others to dump their baggage onto me. I don't bear it well.

 It's time to get back on the track to being me. Hopefully, the next time something like this happens I'll be strong enough that I won't  have to fight so hard to maintain the self I've worked so hard to become.

Cheers!

Five out of twenty

Five out of twenty people I invited to read my blog are on it's readers list.  I added the other's to the emailing list,  I have no idea if they will get it, but it's pretty certain that they can't respond to, and right now I really can use the support of my friends. 

I suppose  I shouldn't be thinking about the people who didn't accept the invitation, just the people that did.  Thank you.  

By invitation only

My apologies to anyone who's following this blog. If you are still interested in doing so, please write to me at darlevy@gmail.com and I will tell you how to.  Patty Marie Claire Harrington, someone who has made herself an enemy of mine, has decided to involve herself in the problems I am having with my mother, and making this blog invitation only is the only way I know of to make her mind her own business.

I am very sorry.
goodbye.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom;

I am writing this in an attempt to release myself from the hurt and blame that you bestowed upon me when I visited you at the beginning of this Month, and I'm writing it in here instead of sending it to you, because I know it will fall on deaf ears, and you will not hear what I need to say.

 I did not ruin the perfect visit that you had planned for me, as you said I did. I did not abuse you the whole time I was there, and I certainly am not responsible for the misery you experienced while I was growing up. I was just a child; I wasn't suppose to be responsible for anything but growing up; it was suppose to be the other way around.

I did not mean to insult you by telling you that your snoring was keeping me awake. I would not have said anything except for the fact that after a long day of traveling, the four hours time difference, and three nights of not being able to sleep, I was exhausted and at my wits end. I badly needed a good nights sleep, and because you told me I was also keeping you awake with my snoring when I finally did sleep, I did not see any harm with suggesting that I move to the living room. I had no idea my suggestion would be such a problem for you.

After you went to sleep with Andre out in the living room on the pull-out couch, I had every right to close the bedroom door to afford myself some privacy. I am an adult, and it was my business if I wanted to put up with the air not circulating into that room well enough to keep it at optimal temperature. Neither you or Andre had any right to scream at me as if I were some errant child to "leave the fucking door open!"  ... And when you finally DID allow me to sleep on the couch, after a couple nights of it hurting your back so much that you couldn't bear it any longer, I did not break it because I was 'too big for it',  like you said I would.

Despite what you and Dr. Oz say about anti-depressants destroying your brain, I will continue to take what my doctor has prescribed for me because I feel they help me. This however, is not meant in anyway as a slight to you, even though you stated it very clearly that I was wrong and that I will one day regret not listening to my mother.

When I disagreed with you that having already paid for the use of the Queens name was the reason three Canadian cities called their hospitals: The Queen Elizabeth 2, I was not implying, thinking, or meaning to say that you were stupid. I am so very sorry you took it so. I believe that people can have different opinions and not think each other stupid.  I am 53 years old and I have lived long enough to have developed my own opinions separate from yours, but that does not mean that I don't respect your opinion, or you, for that matter.  Please believe this.

I did not develop an allergy to frangrances  just to cause you and Andre grief, and the allergic reaction I had while there was not not meant to slight you in anyway. I fail to understand why it angered you both so very much. I've had these allergies for a long time now, and you  knew I had them, yet you did nothing to prepare for my visit, and then you act as if I've made an imposition. Once I noticed that I was having a problem I upped my daily dose of antihistamine.  I did not ask you stop washing your hair because of fragrance in your shampoo, and I felt it was very hurtful of you to use that  as an excuse why you couldn't take me into town to see my father on my last day there.

Despite what you think, I AM worth you letting me use your fragrance free laundry detergent, and I AM worth sharing your expensive healthy margarine with. If healthy is good for you, then it's just as good for me. I am your daughter, you're suppose to want to share the good things with me, not tell me that I'm not good enough to.

I am sorry I didn't turn out the way you wanted me too. I am sorry I not a good enough daughter; I am sorry that I was ever born. There, is that apology enough for you?

I am having a really bad day.

Good intentions

Today is my last day in Nova Scotia. I had planned to say goodbye to my Father, but my Mom told me, after it was too late to catch the last bus into town, that she didn't say she would drive me like I thought she had, said she's taken me in enough. I don't know if my being there made any difference to my Dad, and now my Mom is telling me that I am driving her crazy enough for her to kill herself and that I wouldn't care if she did, and that I was the one that made her life a living hell when I was growing up.


This trip was a mistake.

- Written on April 8th, but not published until today.  - Sometimes it IS necessary to say things that might hurt another, especially when that other has burdened you with guilt and you want to free yourself from it.  

Self-defining

I think I had to come back home to realize just how much I am no longer defined by my past, how far I've come, and how strong I really am.

I can forgive my father because he no longer has any power over me. It's not just that he is old and weak and dying, or that he's not the same man he once was, it's more to do with the changes that have occurred in me. The power of who I am belongs to me now. I now make the choices that define who I am, and the choices I've made, make it so that I can see him for who he is now, and forgive him for a past that no longer exists.

Letting the past go

Well, I phoned my Father, and I forgave him the moment I heard his voice.

I was halfway there by the time I had made the decision to call him. I thought about what it would be like to die with regret, knowing that your family didn't even care enough to say goodbye to you, and I thought that would be a terrible way for anyone to die. If that was how my Father was feeling,  then I wasn't going to be the one responsible for him having to take it to his grave. Death is so final, ya know? So I phoned.

I expected him to say something sarcastic and mean to me when he answered the phone, but he didn't; he even thanked me, twice, something that I don't ever remember him doing before, and the second time sounded sincere enough for me to believe that he was thanking me for forgiving him.   Suddenly the power had shifted; he no longer held it over me. The hate I had been carrying around for years just vanished. It just disappeared, just like that. Poof!

It's true you know what they say about feeling lighter when you let the past go and you forgive someone. It really is.  -  I don't condone what he did to his family, to me and my Mom especially, but he's not the same man he use to be. He's old and he's dying,  and he's grateful for what he receives - I just got off the phone with him now, and he thanked me again. It blows me away every time I hear it.

Today he asked me if I was home yet.  I thought at first that he was a little confused, so I explained that I was home, here in Victoria.  He then told me that 'they', I think he meant my brother and his wife, had told him that I was coming to visit, so the home he was talking about was there in Nova Scotia, in Halifax, with him. When I told him I didn't know if I could come, he said "Oh well", but I could hear the disappointment in his voice plain as day...

Mantra, part II

iPod wallpaper - I see this everytime I turn my ipod on or wake it from sleep. It feels a little silly, but it seems to be doing the trick. :)

Indecision

So my father's collapsed, and is now in the hospital. he's just been diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. ... I haven't talked to him in over fifteen years, and now he's dying. My Mom says he could go any minute. She thinks I should phone him.

... Maybe I should phone him, but I don't know what to say. What do you say to your abusive father who's about to die? Part of me actually is thinking 'good riddance'; the other part doesn't really know what to think.