I don't think I remember how to just be.
If it's not been one person it's been another, some asked, and some not, telling me how I should think, what I should feel, and what I should do to fix what's wrong with me. And on the occasion when no one else has been available to offer their insight, I've been more then ready to jump in with self criticism and demands, second guessing everything I do, my head spinning with alternative viewpoints and solutions, trying to please everyone and my own high standards at once, and not doing a very good job at any of it.
I've spent about a year seeing a therapist, and a couple of intense years on my own before that pulling out one layer of belly button lint after another, trying to uncover the root of my problems, and I dont know if I'm actually any better off now for the knowing, than I was before I began this journey. I don't believe I'm any happier than I use to be. ... I have to say, there was really something quite blissful about my ignorance.
I can't pretend that I don't know that I have this anxious attachment problem. I've lost too many friends because of it to ignore it and not try to fix it. I have a responsibility to myself and those in my life to do so. But I'm tired of it all; I really am.
It's not that I'll ever become light and frivolous, that's not me. I'll aways be a deep thinker, I'll always have a fondness for introspection, and I'm always going to want to do the right thing. It's just that after all of it, I don't think I can trust myself enough to simply just be, and I'm not even certain that I should.
I can't pretend that I don't know that I have this anxious attachment problem. I've lost too many friends because of it to ignore it and not try to fix it. I have a responsibility to myself and those in my life to do so. But I'm tired of it all; I really am.
It's not that I'll ever become light and frivolous, that's not me. I'll aways be a deep thinker, I'll always have a fondness for introspection, and I'm always going to want to do the right thing. It's just that after all of it, I don't think I can trust myself enough to simply just be, and I'm not even certain that I should.
Life use to be about being spontaneous, flying as high as I could, knowing God, or the Divine, or whatever you call it, though the sheer joy of life, love and living. ... That was my plan anyway.
It's not working out that way at all.
It's not working out that way at all.
Finding an authentic way of being has been central to my life this past three years. Being aware of those parts of myself that have interfered with spontaneity has been a real key. Knowing just how immersed in being what others wanted was the beginning. Nothing simple here however, because of all those nasty layers of lint (a very good analogy Dar). Being complex isn't easy, is it?
ReplyDeleteThe God(dess) is and always will be patiently waiting for us to find her/him. Sometimes my deep thoughts get in the way. Personally, I cannot imagine life without introspection, so to just be requires that I accept myself, deep thought and lint and all.
Probably not helpful, but if you haven't read "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck, perhaps it will at the very least let you know that you are not at all alone. He calls Life is Difficult one of the Great Truths. I certainly have no argument with that.
Nice to hold hands walking down a road, isn't it?
Oh, and this just came to mind. Billy knows too...
Deletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHO6a2H-pqY
Big Hugs <<<>>>
Wow, I just saw this. Or if I saw it before I was so wrapped up in my angst that I couldn't respond. Things are much better now, and when I wrote this I didn't think they ever would be. It's a lot of work. Being complex isn't easy, but when you stop listening to those who see it as a prblem, and start seeing it as an asset, it can take you places. :)
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