I thought I was doing alright not having anyone to talk to. I'm keeping my house clean, putting a big effort into my church's weekly newsletter, doing 30 minutes/10 km a day on my exercise bike, and I'm enjoying photographing the birds at my feeders, but it's all too quiet. There's only so much me time a person can take. Like everyone, I need intimate interaction with others to maintain a balance, and right now I am feeling so lonely and isolated it's hard not to feel sorry for myself.
Turns out that I don't have BPD after all, just an attachment theory problem that causes me to believe that every time I love someone they will find me unworthy of their regard. Unless the other needs me in some way, I don't feel secure in the relationship. Plain and simply, I expect from the world what I got from my parents. It's what I was taught to expect. It's not exactly hard wired, it's not part of my personality, but it was programmed into me at an early age, and I haven't exactly had a lot of close friends who've managed to stay the course long enough to change that theory. Truth is I scare them all away when they see what they think is my over reacting to what I'm thinking is a sign of their disregard. They pull away, I panic, I try to stop them from leaving; they pull away some more... It's my worse nightmare come true, and it happens again again. ...I don't think people would think it was over reacting if they experienced what I do.
According to my Therapist this path of expectation is so huge, so well worn, it's a honking big highway, and I can't see any other way because I'm stuck right in the damn middle of it, already half way there to unworthy and "good-bye, it was nice knowing ya". With my Therapist's help, I've gotta somehow make myself take another route, start forging another path, and then little by little make that path broad and deep enough to provide me with an alternate route, a choice.
At this point though, all I can see in the isolation I feel. It's so heavy and thick tonight that I can taste it in the back of my throat. I can't see how I'm going to learn how to stop myself from thinking that those I come to love are going to find me unworthy and then leave me, when nearly everyone of them has already left, and those that haven't, are keeping a safe distance between me and them.
I remember when I was a teenager, if I wanted to see my friends I'd have to hitch hike to the town where they lived. Sometimes I'd have to walk for hours on an unlit bit of road, feeling a bit frightened and very much alone...
Do you think if I stick out my thumb long enough, someone will come along and give me a lift?
Friday, January 18, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Why is it so hard?
So I go to my church, and there I learn about all the good things that come from opening our hearts and giving, about how this allows us to be our best selves, and I think to myself, yes, this is who I am, this is what I do best. I am worthy.
And then I remember the friends that I have lost because being my friend was too difficult for them, and about how I'm staying away from someone I love because she isn't well and having me in her life is too stressful for her. :(
So then I wonder why I let myself believe that I was good enough to consider myself worthy if I can't even give those I love enough reason to keep me around.
Why is it so difficult for me, when I try so very hard?
And then I remember the friends that I have lost because being my friend was too difficult for them, and about how I'm staying away from someone I love because she isn't well and having me in her life is too stressful for her. :(
So then I wonder why I let myself believe that I was good enough to consider myself worthy if I can't even give those I love enough reason to keep me around.
Why is it so difficult for me, when I try so very hard?
Saturday, January 12, 2013
For their own good.
Leaving someone you care about alone because they are better off without you, has gotta be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
I'm feeling better
I made an appointment to see a Registered Clinical Counsellor on Monday Night. So I have hope again. :)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Heck of a predicament for a 'people person' to be in
I went to see the counsellor that The Citizens Counselling Centre set me up with, and I'm disappointed.
We talked for an hour, about what I wanted from the sessions, about my growing up, about my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my wife - getting to know me kind of stuff. ... Anyway, when we were finished I asked what her credentials were. She told me she was just a counsellor, not a registered counsellor, not a clinical counsellor, but someone just finishing up her social workers degree, trained by the Centre, to, as she put it, give back to society.
When I mentioned I identified strongly with at least three of the symptoms of BPD, and somewhat with 2 others, possibly adding up to the 5 symptoms needed to diagnose someone with the disorder. She told me she wouldn't be able to do that, that she was someone I could talk to and that was basically it. She told me that a lot can be accomplished by becoming aware of a problem. I told her that being 'aware' out here in the quiet and the calm, hasn't really had that much affect on my behaviour when I've lost control of my emotions, and I'm feeling that the things I say and do are the only way I know how to cope. (Scary stuff, huh?) Yeah, I need therapy, not counselling.
I was under the impression that I could at least be diagnosed enough at the centre to be referred to some other place, or someone else who better suited my needs, but it looks like that's not about to happen.
The woman I saw tonight suggested that if that is what I wanted, I should make an appointment with my medical doctor, and get a referral from her to be seen by a professional who could make a diagnoses, which could take a very long time before I even get to see that someone.
I don't know what to do.
I've looked up Registered Clinical Counsellors in Victoria, and there are three listed who say they know something about BPD, and only one who says they use Dialectical behaviour therapy, (that which has been proven to be most effective on BPD symptoms). All say they have a sliding fee, but two say their average fee is $100 to $110 an hour, and the one who does DBT, her average fee is listed as $100 - $150 an hour. I can't afford that, we can't afford that. .... I don't even understand how anyone could.
... There's a Clinical Counsellor in the same building as the Citizens Counselling Centre. He has a sliding scale fee. Based on our income, it would be about $60 an hour , which we could just afford, but he doesn't list BPD as something he deals with, and doesn't offer any of the therapies that are know as being affective in treating the symptoms.
Even if I am diagnosed with BPD, private therapy is not covered by the provincial health insurance, unless it is given by a psychologist who works for a government institution, hospital, community clinic, or school, again, another waiting list. - Right about then I'd be hoping for a full Borderline Personality Disorder diagnose so that I'd qualify for assistance, otherwise, I'd have to have a private health insurance plan to cover the bill, and it's been two years and I still haven't convinced my partner to take the time to add me to her plan. I don't even know what's covered under it.
I don't know what to do. Right now it seems that the only real solution is to avoid developing close friendships where my need for connection maybe satisfied; that way I won't fear losing them, and then push them away with my inappropriate attempts to keep them from leaving me.
Heck of a predicament for a 'people person' to be in.
We talked for an hour, about what I wanted from the sessions, about my growing up, about my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my wife - getting to know me kind of stuff. ... Anyway, when we were finished I asked what her credentials were. She told me she was just a counsellor, not a registered counsellor, not a clinical counsellor, but someone just finishing up her social workers degree, trained by the Centre, to, as she put it, give back to society.
When I mentioned I identified strongly with at least three of the symptoms of BPD, and somewhat with 2 others, possibly adding up to the 5 symptoms needed to diagnose someone with the disorder. She told me she wouldn't be able to do that, that she was someone I could talk to and that was basically it. She told me that a lot can be accomplished by becoming aware of a problem. I told her that being 'aware' out here in the quiet and the calm, hasn't really had that much affect on my behaviour when I've lost control of my emotions, and I'm feeling that the things I say and do are the only way I know how to cope. (Scary stuff, huh?) Yeah, I need therapy, not counselling.
I was under the impression that I could at least be diagnosed enough at the centre to be referred to some other place, or someone else who better suited my needs, but it looks like that's not about to happen.
The woman I saw tonight suggested that if that is what I wanted, I should make an appointment with my medical doctor, and get a referral from her to be seen by a professional who could make a diagnoses, which could take a very long time before I even get to see that someone.
I don't know what to do.
I've looked up Registered Clinical Counsellors in Victoria, and there are three listed who say they know something about BPD, and only one who says they use Dialectical behaviour therapy, (that which has been proven to be most effective on BPD symptoms). All say they have a sliding fee, but two say their average fee is $100 to $110 an hour, and the one who does DBT, her average fee is listed as $100 - $150 an hour. I can't afford that, we can't afford that. .... I don't even understand how anyone could.
... There's a Clinical Counsellor in the same building as the Citizens Counselling Centre. He has a sliding scale fee. Based on our income, it would be about $60 an hour , which we could just afford, but he doesn't list BPD as something he deals with, and doesn't offer any of the therapies that are know as being affective in treating the symptoms.
Even if I am diagnosed with BPD, private therapy is not covered by the provincial health insurance, unless it is given by a psychologist who works for a government institution, hospital, community clinic, or school, again, another waiting list. - Right about then I'd be hoping for a full Borderline Personality Disorder diagnose so that I'd qualify for assistance, otherwise, I'd have to have a private health insurance plan to cover the bill, and it's been two years and I still haven't convinced my partner to take the time to add me to her plan. I don't even know what's covered under it.
I don't know what to do. Right now it seems that the only real solution is to avoid developing close friendships where my need for connection maybe satisfied; that way I won't fear losing them, and then push them away with my inappropriate attempts to keep them from leaving me.
Heck of a predicament for a 'people person' to be in.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
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