For me, this year has been the year from hell. The arthritic deterioration of my knees meant that I had to quit my gardening business, something that I was very proud of. In one year I went from being the person that helped others, to someone who's always needing help, and who can't live up to her partners expectations of shared responsibility.
Early this spring, my father was diagnosed with brain cancer, was admitted to the Victoria General hospital in Halifax, and died there in May. Because he was weak and lonely and dying and was no longer the same mean bast@r£ that he was when he abused his family, I forgave him. But any good feeling I received because of that act, came only from that act. It was not acknowledged in any way.
When I visited him in the hospital I did not receive one word of apology for his past abuse, or any appreciation for my being there at his side then. - Later, after his death and while looking at a photograph of his tombstone that my brother sent by email, I realized that I was actually grieving for the father who when I was little, took me fishing, and berry picking, and who taught me how to bait a hook, and light a fire.
While I was visiting my Father, I stayed with my Mom, and that experience was a revealing trip back into my past. The negativity, the emotional blackmail, being told again and again in so many little ways, and then in loud and angry and abusive ways, that I wasn't important... The guilting, and then my open letter afterward, denying ownership of it all, and resulting in my being disowned, by not only my mother and her husband, but by other members of the family who she talked to.
At the same time that all of this is happening, I was seeing a therapist, trying my best to take responsibility for my anxious attachment problem and how it makes it difficult for others to be my friend. Whenever I become attached to someone, I become super sensitive to any signs of rejection. I first started seeing my therapist after I had a falling out with a dear friend, and I realized that what I was blaming her for was utterly uncalled for. I learned at that moment that I couldn't trust my own interpretation of how things appeared.
Since then I have learned why I do what I do, and how to avoid it happening. It's hard work though; I have to form new ways of thinking that aren't based on my initial flight or fight response, an innate reaction we all have to perceived danger, and which is triggered when we experience something similar to another time when we were hurt.
Like an alcoholic, I know now that I can't let down my guard thinking that I have control over it. Until these new thought patterns become second nature, it's unrealistic to think that occasionally something won't slip though and I'll react emotionally to a perceived threat.
Things with that friend, the one who inspired me to seek counseling, improved, though I don't think she ever got over the first incident, and so with each small occurrence she pulled further away, with her telling me the last time that she wouldn't take anymore.
She just left me a couple of weeks ago. We had a falling out over something, that I still don't believe had to do with my anxious attachment problem, although that is what she blamed it on. - There's no need to go into details. Suffice it to say that it ended ugly, with me trying to stop her from leaving me, and my being blamed by her for her uncommonly mean behavior.
I am still hurting from this, and I'm grieving for the loss of someone I loved. My emotions are all mixed up, sometimes I blaming myself, and sometimes I feel betrayed.
I don't know which way is up anymore, and it seems to me that every time I turn around I offend someone else, so I'm feeling very much like a bull in a china shop. - Aside from the fact that I am just so tired of explaining myself, I really can't afford to lose another friend right now; emotionally I don't think I could handle it.
So please I beg you, accept my apology if I've offended you recently, and for the childishness of my recent blog comments. I don't want your sympathy. I am asking for your understanding. I DO very much appreciate the friendship and support that you all have given me. I don't mean to say you are not worth my attention. I just need to slow down and take some time to heal.
It's obvious that I need to write my thoughts and feelings down, so I bought a journal, (an electronic one; my handwriting sucks) and I plan to write how I feeling in that, rather than blurt out everything that pops into my head in a blog or Facebook post.
I'm sorry. I wish I could be a better friend.
