Love

 Love means treating people like they are welcome. 

Neurodivergence, The Spice of Life

(As presented in a homily at the Unitarian Universalist Community of Victoria on May 17th, 2025.)

My name is Dar Levy, and I am a neurodivergent Non-binary trans masc. queer, from a working class background, who struggles with trauma related mental health issues, and I am honoured and grateful for you allowing me to present to you today.  I introduce myself to you in this way because these are the many ways that I am different from most of you, and why I often see the world and think differently than you do. 

Neurodiversity explains the variance in how all human brains work; no two brains think alike as we each learn and process information in our own way.   Neurodivergent is an umbrella term referring to those who’s brains function, learn, and process information much differently than what is considered typical. — The term was coined by Sociologist Judy Singer in the late nineties, promoting the idea that there is no single right way for a brain to function; emphasizing that such differences are natural variations and not deficits. The perspective moves away from medical thinking that these variations are disorders needing to be fixed, and toward a social focus on strengths and inclusion.

The psychiatric profession has not been very kind to diversity, listing over 200 human differences in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.  — It wasn’t that long ago that homosexuality and being transgender were on that list.  …Apparently a lot of people still think they are. 

The dictionary defines a disorder as: “a functional abnormality, illness, or disruption of normal physical or mental health, often causing significant distress or impairment.” …But I cant help but argue that too many of these differences only cause distress or impairment because the world doesn’t make space for them, and those with these differences are pushed away and marginalized.  

Like many Neurodivergences, mine arises from a complex play of nature  and nurture rather than a single cause. I grew up in a family who’s generational trauma was passed down to them by their parents and they in turn passed it down to me through their abuse. My parents  were taught by their parents and by the world that respect for those above them was a requirement, which was pretty much everyone in the world but me and those the world already discriminated against, BIPOC, Queers and those with disabilities physical or otherwise.  And if the required respect wasn’t received, those who didn’t give it deserved to be punished.

I don’t remember ever being held as a child; if I cried too much or acted out I was pushed away and threatened with abandonment. If I talked back, my father threatened me with his belt;  to this day I cannot tell you if I ever received that punishment or witnessed a sibling receiving it;  it’s entirely possible that the threat itself was enough for it to reside in my body as if I had.  

Knowing what I know now, that I am HSP, a Highly Sensitive person - someone with a very responsive nervous system,  it must have been very difficult for them to care for a child who was so sensitive to their environment, considering that they themselves had never been taught to care for, or respect their own needs.  — I was told that caring for me meant putting a roof over my head and food in my belly and I should be grateful for that. 

From an early age I had a deep sense of justice and when I spoke up for what I believed to be right my father called me stupid or deep.  - If  I contradicted the wisdom of his authority, or stood up for others who were different then him, those he hated and considered less than to make himself feel better about his place in the world, he would get angry. He actually spent a lot of time being angry, at everyone, not just me.

One day my Father actually dragged me by my hair as he attempted to throw me out of the house with me kicking and screaming. To this day I can’t remember what it was that I said, if it was disrespectful or not, or if he hadn’t just had a bad day and needed a scapegoat.  I just remember how it felt in my body, the primal fear and hate for him that consumed me.

I wasn’t suppose to have a mind  of my own,  question the rightness  of my parents authority, or talk back. I was suppose to behave and take on my parents  beliefs and ways.   My mother only paid me attention when I paid attention to her.  My job as a child was to hold up my parents and care for their needs; and if I didn’t, I didn’t deserve their care.   

And ever since then that’s the way its been for me in this world. 

In grade school the nuns who taught in the local elementary threatened us all with the strap to make us behave.  I was ambidextrous and they made me pick a hand to use, and then tried to correct my using my left hand when I finally chose it as the one being the most right for me.   I was bullied and laughed at by other kids; …in hindsight,  I suspect it was because my differences made me stand out.  I was small and withdrawn, and somewhat unkempt. 

When I graduated from high school I worked in a fish plant to pay for my first year of art college and had to work harder than the men to prove my worth, and after college, because I couldn’t make myself wear the feminine clothing I was expected to wear,  I was limited to looking for work as a labourer earning minimum wage. 

I've worked as a chambermaid, a dishwasher, a prep cook, a cleaner in a restaurant, a bindery worker for a print shop, and as a masker and sander in an auto body shop. All the bosses expected me and the other workers not to question their authority. No matter how unfair their treatment or pay, every employee knew that  if you spoke up for your rights it was more than likely that you would be punished with losing your job.

During times when I couldn’t find work, I had to take around a form to collect signatures from employers to prove that  I was worthy of unemployment insurance.   There wasn’t enough jobs that I qualified for, and those that I could easily learn still required experience.  So to prove that I was looking for work, every month I was forced to humiliate myself and get signatures from places that it was obvious I didn’t fit into, and I was often sneered at and treated like I didn’t want to work  in the first place by those who provided those signatures.

Art  college was the only place my deep, creative and critically thinking brain was welcomed. I was surrounded by others who thought differently and in an environment where our differences were celebrated,  and so the conversations with fellow students were always rich and engaging.  I even welcomed the group  critiques of my work, since it was something everyone received as it was meant to show us how others interpreted what they saw, to help us become better at what we did.

All and all though, this world has not been a very kind place for me, just as it has not been for many.  I’ve been in therapy for years and my  Therapist tells me that I see the world as I do because of my childhood trauma, but I know what I experienced and I actually believe I understand it better than she does because I was there for it all.

I have done a lot of personal work and research to understand myself and my place in this world, and I have learned many things, mainly that it has been my differences that have gotten me into trouble. Besides being transgender and queer, and having a critical mind with an inability to be quiet when I see an injustice, I struggle with CPTSD, Complex Post-traumatic stress disorder, a condition stemming from long term childhood trauma and systemic oppression.  

Symptoms include: psychological and  stress responses such as anxiety, flashbacks or triggering,  hyper-vigilance, and avoidance of stressful situations; a negative sense of self including shame, guilt, failure and worthlessness; and emotional dysregulation and reactivity. Studies suggest that chronic or early life trauma can cause lasting, often  permanent changes in key areas of the brain, including the amygdala, Hippocampus and prefrontal cortex as well as its overall chemistry and how it  responds to stress. 

Trauma can literally change how your brain works.  And that makes total sense to me since Ive always known that I don’t seem to think or feel like most people; so much so that I identify as HSP, a Highly Sensitive Person.  In fact, Im not certain which came first, my trauma or my sensitivity. It’s highly likely that my neurodivergence is the reason why I’ve always had so much trouble fitting in. 

Dr. Elaine Aron, a clinical research psychologist and author  coined the term Highly Sensitive person in 1996 to refer to approximately 20 percent of the population who are born with the innate trait of Sensory Processing Sensitivity.  The core characteristics of a Highly Sensitive Person are as the acronym DOES spells out:

D - Depth of processing - HSP’s tend to reflect deeply on all things in life, analyzing situations thoroughly, unconsciously connecting new information with past experiences and analyzing potential outcomes. 

O - Over arousability or over stimulation.  - Because our nervous systems process everything so deeply we can quickly become oversaturated and overwhelmed. Learning how to care for ourselves is a must.

E - Emotional Responsiveness & Empathy: HSP’s have highly receptive mirror neurons and experience emotions, their own and other people’s, as well as both positive and negative emotions more intensely.  A piece of music or art might move an HSP to tears, while a rejection or a negative comment can cut to the core.

And last but not least, 

S - Sensitivity to subtle stimuli- HSPs are highly aware of subtleties in their environment that others might not notice. Our senses are finely tuned to pick up on details. - a change in temperature, a wafting scent,  a fleeting expression, a shift in tone. 

I cannot speak for any other neurodivergence than my own, but I have noticed that high sensitivity is a common trait amongst neurodivergents as well, particularly in those with ADHD and on the Autism spectrum.  What all three seem to have in common are: brains that think and focus differently than what is typical, a heightened sensitivity to our environments, a strong sense of ethical justice, and highly tuned and reactive nervous systems, something that can be both a gift and a burden depending on how it is received or cared for. 

Me, I have been called too deep, too needy, too sensitive, too intense, too emotional, too outspoken, too much, WAY too often.   …Recently though, a friend told me that I am wonderfully over the top;  Wonderfully over the top, he said. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone use those two qualifiers together or speak of my difference in such a positive way.  

I am wonderfully over the top!  and as many in the online Neurodivergent community would say,  I am Neuro-spicy! 🤗

With a highly tuned nervous system that processes everything so deeply it makes perfect sense to me that my reactions would be bigger and more intense. My emotions are big so my expression of them are equally as big. Life is big, beautiful and intense, and, sometimes very scary, and I match that intensity.  Having to tone myself down so that others accept me doesn’t feel much like self love, or even being honest.

The shame of difference can be a heavy weight to carry, and many Neurodivergents learn how to mask their authentic selves to fit into this world.  But masking not only hides away what is unwanted it also suppresses our natural gifts as well, as both are two sides of the same coin.   Some find the hyper vigilance of masking way too exhausting and choose not to do it.  To heal means to accept, love and care for our authentic selves, despite how others judge us. It does not mean to cut away parts of  ourselves to fit into a world that wasn’t made for us. 

Neurodiversity is not something to be fixed or corrected; Autism, ADHD, and being Highly Sensitive are not in themselves behavioural problems; They are genetic variations. Our heightened sensitivity is not maladaptive deviance. Our reactions aren’t meant as an attack, but they can and do accurately express how deeply we feel about things and how difficult this world can be.

Throughout history, many of our traits have been invaluable gifts to humankind, and as Dr. Nick Walker states in her book, Neuroqueer Heresies: “Neurodiversity is a natural, healthy, and important form of human biodiversity - a fundamental and vital characteristic of the human species, a crucial source of evolutionary and creative potential.” And right now we need as much evolution and creative potential as we can get.

It is a common belief that without the challenge of different perspectives humanity will cease to evolve. If we want to work toward a world where all people can thrive we need to hold up the voices of those who live in the margins because we are society’s canaries. We are those who can’t help but sing out about how the ways of this world do not care for the sensitive human beings we all are. 

The survival of the fittest attitude inspired by capitalism is counter productive for our survival. We were meant to live in collectives and care for each other.  Natural diversity has a way of providing for what we might need. We need each other. All of our differences working together. 

The human family needs to be whole once more for it to heal. 

May it be so.  And may we heal together. 

Healing

 I don’t think we are suppose to look for someone to help us, but to look toward  those we can help, and in so doing, help heal what is broken outside of ourselves as well as within. 

Gratitude Culture

For every child that couldn’t stomach the food on their plate and were told that they will eat it and be grateful that they have it, I reject enforced gratitude. 

Even When it Hurts

 Will you ever respect the depth of  passion I have for what I love ?

Recognize that I feel it is a calling to speak up, to deny that which is harmful to those whose pain I feel?

Will you ever treat me as an equal who cares as much for humanity as you and grieves deeply for what we’ve all lost? 

Will you ever respect me as someone who believes they are doing God’s work in their own way and cannot turn away from it

 

even when it hurts? 

The Power of Love

 If love heals, what does the lack of love do?

 It is impossible for a person to feel they belong when others don't accept them as they are.

Imagine

Imagine a world where we respect each others pain; allowing space for it to be heard; listening to the wisdom held in it's anger and indignation, instead of pushing it away so that we don't have to feel it ourselves.  

What if we provided a soft place, a sanctuary for the wounded to heal, held them in compassion as they purged the toxins from their soul. 

What if we took responsibly for the well being of each other as if our very lives depend on it.

What if they do?

 It’s better to be alone than with people who don’t want you. 

Self Love

 Today I crawled out from under the weight of your bad opinion and for the first time in a long time I felt free. 

Rise Up

Rise Up by Andra Day

The scarier the world gets the more we want to isolate and protect ourselves from it by any means we can.  We surrourd ourselves with like minded people to feel safe. We make rules that define how we should be together, define our boundaries, tightening our security, and in so doing we create a world of us and them. 

The scarier the world gets the more polarized we become, but now more than ever we have to resist the self protective urge to seperate ourselves from the struggle of our fellow human beings. We are interconnected, interdependent; it is our struggle too, and without each other we are powerless. We cannot give in to the feeling that we can't make a difference because that hoplessness will be the end of us all.

October

If October was a person it would be a a woman in her prime, all decked out in burgundy  and gold, not hiding her age as if it is something to be ashamed of, but recognizing the beauty that comes from living, how laughter and worry have etched their tell tale lines on her face, how the sparkle in her eyes still exists but is tempered and made three dimensional  by the depth of wisdom, reminding us that everything is finite and yet infinite at the same time. 

Just This

 

Integrity or Friendship

 The more I speak up in defense of the wounded people in this world and against the ways that keep them there, the more unpopular I become. 

I have a choice, hold my tongue and make friends, or speak the truth as I see it.  At this point I don't have much too loose. Which would you choose? 

Neurodivergent vs Neurotypical

 I'm starting to think that neurotypical folks aren't neurotypical at all. They're just better at masking and they think everyone should be able to do it to get alone in this world.

https://eagleswill.com/a-comparison-between-neurodivergent-vs-neurotypical/

Pride and Passion Podcast

I’ve been interviewed for a podcast  🤗

 https://audio.com/jamesgardner/audio/pride-and-passion-trans-pride-dar-levy

Alone

 One of the reasons I don’t end my miserable life is that the people in it would take it as a commentary about them and dislike me even more. 

Happy Pride!

I came out in the 80’s,  In fact I attended my first women’s only dance in 1985; I had the audacity to flirt with a beautiful women in the washroom, and she took me home with her, told me I was a natural and I never looked back.

The reason I tell you this story is not to brag, (well maybe just a little) not to shock you by throwing my sexuality in your face; I’m telling it because it holds great significance for me.  

I grew up in rural Nova Scotia. I didn’t know any one who was queer, and if I did, I didn’t know it.  …I had an uncle who was gay, but I heard so many negative things said about him, there wasn’t anything I could identify with, and I knew I definitely wasn't any of those awful thing that I overheard. 

Deep inside, I always felt I had something to protect though, something to hide. 

Skip ahead to my first women’s only dance, and I had never before seen so many women openly expressing their love for each other.  I felt drunk with the freedom it allowed me.

I joined the Gay and Lesbian Alliance of Halifax and marched in Pride parades, and they WERE marches at that time..   

We were afraid of the RCMP who were known to take photographs and keep files on those who took part in political demonstrations. …But we marched anyway, and we proudly held up signs and sang songs like: we are gay and straight together and we are singing, singing for our lives.  - And we really were. 

But even though I had felt I had found my people, there was still something that didn’t quite feel right; I couldn’t put my finger on it though, so I just chalked it up to how I had always felt different.

I remember the first time I saw a group of  butch women swagger into the club; they seemed strong and confident and I thought to myself, I want to be like them. Yet at the same time Im hearing the lesbians around me  saying things like, why would you want to be like a man when we are celebrating womanhood and rejecting patriarchy and  toxic masculinity?

Butch women weren’t the only ones unwelcome, Trans women and drag queens  were also given a hard time, they for wearing the trappings of femininity that feminism rejected.  I understood the feminist arguments, and I admit, at that time, I too felt uncomfortable seeing masculine bodies wearing the clothing and makeup I so adamantly rejected as sexist.   

….We’ve come a long way.

But the truth is, Trans folk have never really been fully accepted by the lesbian and gay community, even though there’s a T in LGBT,  and even though the movement began in rebellion to the frequent raids and arrests of gender non conforming folks at the stonewall Inn who weren’t wearing at least three articles of clothing of the sex they were assigned at birth. 

The movement took up the Love is Love slogan. In the name of respectability Gender nonconformity was placed on the back burner; it made too many people uncomfortable.   

It wasn’t until this current decade, or decade and a half, when I began to see young trans people freely and boldly expressing their gender that I started to really question my own identity. I saw in them something positive that I could relate to, something that I longed for as well,  and I finally came to embrace and celebrate my own mix. Now when I look in the mirror, I see me.

Jump ahead to the present and there is an obvious push back against all this free gender expression and not just by the Trump administration. It’s here in Canada too. Statistics Canada has reported that in 2023, hate crimes targeting the LGBTQI community has  increased by 69% from the previous year. -Imagine what the increase is this year with all the anti trans hate speech so freely circulating. 

There’s a political dark cloud hanging over the heads of our beautiful young trans folk.  Those who showed me how to become myself are now being threatened with erasure, with having their rights and services taken away and their freedom curtailed.  And I fear for their future if we all don’t do whatever we can to put a stop to it.

Without having seen positive examples that I could identify with, my self actualization was stilted. Its taken most of my life to know myself. My very existence has felt like a protest; I can only imagine who I’d be if I had been given that freedom right from the get go; if I didn’t have to fight for it every step of the way. 

It makes me sick to think of all these beautiful and free young people having to hide themselves, having to suffer anything of what us older queers experienced, what I experienced. I know what’s at risk. 

We can’t go backward. 

So this year I  will be walking in the Pride parade for them; for the young queers, for their future, as many of us in the community will be. 

I think that’s what an ally is, someone who recognizes  what’s at stake and how it affects us all.  Someone who doesn’t leave us alone to defend ourselves and uses their privilege to speak up against those who speak with hate against us, against any of us, really.  Someone who educates themselves because they care, and who lends their support however they can, with words, and with action.

For after all, we are not just fighting for our own rights, we are fighting for everyones, each others even. The right to freely be who we are in a world that pushes conformity and expediency. 

I keep thinking of how true that saying is: that we are not free until everyone is free,  ...everyone under the rainbow. May it be so, and Happy Pride!

(As given at the UUCV Pride service on Sunday June 29th)

Make a Wish!

Trump just announced that the US has bombed three Iranian nuclear facilities. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just spin around three times, tap our heels together and shout “STOP at the top of our lungs and all this madness would disappear?

Toxicity

I just saw this come across my facebook feed and a person commented on the post saying: "That looks toxic." 

I’ve been seeing an increase in society's inclination to push away emotions and the need for support' treating both as if they are toxic. Dating apps are filled with people advertising “No drama please!" as if life isnt full of drama. Even in my church where we sing songs about being there for each other, whenever I’ve asked for emotional support people are much more inclined to referred me to a service than offer their own care.

Why are we so afraid of emotions? Is our society becoming sociopathic?