Bridges!

I was wrong, and I am so happy that I was! I never wanted to believe what I wrote in my previous post, that there isn't anything to be done about the human condition of solitude, that our lonely responsibility of, and to ourselves is something we always have to bear alone.

I was just talking on the phone to a friend and she told me that the first thing she thought of when she read my last post was bridges! ... Bridges! That's it, of course! The concept is so simple.

Waves are good, but they dissipate, and you feel lonely and sad when you no longer feel them caressing your coast, ... And digging deeply to the root of our islands, and finding our connections there, within those depths, may be the most fulfilling and rewarding, but that takes an amount of commitment that most don't have the time to give, - not that they don't want to; it's just the way it is. But bridges, there's a permanency to them if they are built right, and you can transverse them at anytime, and if both islands care enough to work to maintain that bridge, the connection will become deeper with time.

Thank-you my friend, for giving me this thought. (((HUGS!!!))) :)

Smile, be happy

We are all islands, separate and alone from the moment we leave our mother's womb.  Any illusion you might have that there is something that can be done to change this condition is false, so you'd better get use to the idea, or else you'll keep setting yourself up for disappointment. You cannot rely on anyone but yourself; you are the only constant in your life; with everyone else things will always change, and what you've come to believe in as something you can rely on will one day disappear. Better to steel yourself for that change at the beginning, and behave accordingly, than to allow yourself to trust that it will always be there for you. And never, never wear your heart on your sleeve.

All connections you make must remain superficial and light. Smile, and the world smiles with you. Light and happy is what will make you friends and what will keep them by your side. Never let on that your thoughts or feeling run any deeper, or that you feel the sadness of your solitude. No one wants to share that with you, they want your smiles and laughter, so that they too can escape the loneliness of their solitude whenever it gets too much for them to bear.

And above all else, be happy that this is the way things are.

No man (one) is an island

But these thoughts: each of us are responsible for our own happiness, and, our sadness is ours and ours alone, fills me with such sorrow for myself and all the other islands in this world that I could not go a moment longer keeping that sorrow to myself.

There are Always Mountains

Every fall my partner and I pack up our vehicle, strap my kayak to it's roof, and head out to the wilderness for a ten to fourteen day camping and fishing trip. Each year, as we get older, and roughing it is a little harder for my partner to endure, our annual holiday becomes more and more a concession on her part, a gift she gives to me because she knows just what I get from spending those precious few days out in the wilderness.

There's just something about being out there in the natural world that feeds my soul and 'roughing it' seems to be an intrinsic part of the experience. ... The cold, the wet, getting warm, dry, and clean, feeling the sun and wind on my face, catching the next day's breakfast, collecting wood and building a fire, smelling the smoke from it and watching the flames dance, and then at last snuggling into a chilly sleeping bag at night with nothing but it and a thin layer of stretched out nylon to protect you from the elements ... it's just all so alive and real, and nothing, nothing is taken for granted.

Unlike the rest of the year, I don't need an alarm clock to wake me, and I'm up with the dawn. Someone once told me that that was when the fish were feeding, and although I've never once caught a fish before ten am, I don't ever want to miss out on the chance that I might. So it's a quick trip to the outhouse, and If I have the time or it's too cold to do without, I'll light the Coleman and make a cup of coffee to take with me out on the lake.

Fishing is something I love to do that has nothing to do with anyone else, except for the sharing of the fish I've caught afterward. But when I'm doing it, it's just me, the lake, the fish, the trees, the mountains, the sky, ... and the rhythm. It's just all so simple and beautiful, ... and quiet. If I'm thinking, it's under the surface, or happening within that rhythm that it's not obvious. I'm alone, but I don't feel alone at all, more the opposite, like I've slipped comfortably into that slot where I'm connected to everyone and everything.

I don't know how to explain it except that something bigger than me, ... God if you will, Mother Nature, or simply the earth is cold, and I feel it. This bigger than me something makes the wind, and I respond in turn by digging in deeper with my paddle; the wind dies down, the motion of my kayak flattens, and the force of my strokes match. Catching a fish is like receiving a gift, being rewarded for my ability to match the rhythm that I'm submerged in, that I've become part of.

I'm starving when I come in off the lake, and everything I eat tastes wonderful. Breakfast is a celebration, and if it's the fish I've caught, even more so with the added bonus of feeling like I'm a provider passing on the gifts that I've been given. The sun rises higher in the sky, burns off the fog and warms the air, and I strip off the layers I'm wearing, again, another celebration, another 'this is the life' moment. ... And then at night when the sun sinks below the horizon, and I build a fire, the warmth from it is another gift that the earth has provided, the heat bursting from the fire wood as if it's releasing a collection of a thousand sunlit afternoons.

My partner and I play this game when we are sitting around a campfire. At any given moment we ask the other, what are you thinking about right now. It's amazing how your thoughts travel so freely without you realizing it, as you are sitting there so quietly watching the flames. Sometimes it's the day's little drama's that play out in your head, making sense out of them, sorting them out and filing them away, and at other times you thoughts are drifting like smoke, and there's nothing heavier in your head than wondering just what causes that popping that sends a spark flying into the cold air.

And now we're home, and I am glad to be, but I felt a bit displaced for the first few days. Everything seems so different here. The rhythm is different, more complicated somehow; the reasons for doing things seem fabricated and not so much part of something simple and whole. I can't see myself waiting again for another whole year before I get back out there again. It's where I find peace, where everything comes together for me, and where I feel part of that bigger something.

The trick, I suppose, is to hold onto that feeling for as long as I can. Writing out how the experience felt helps to keep it, like collecting fire wood and piling it away to be burned throughout the cold dark winter. Hopefully this year I've collected enough, and I won't ever have to worry about feeling the cold of loneliness again.

My applogies to everyone!

I haven't been able to sign in to my own blog from the blog page, so I haven't been able to respond to comments. I've tried 3 or 4 times, but everytime I sign in it takes me to the dashboard and when I click on view blog the sign in doesn't seem to have taken. I even tried writing a comment while not signed in and then I had to choose an identity, so then when I choose my Google id, nothing happened, and I lost my comments. :(

Flying

I could love you with all my heart if you let me
If you made it safe
If you loved me back
just like I love you
We could lose ourselves
in each other
and be as one
We could fly
together, you and I
But reality keeps stepping in
There's always something else that distracts
There's always someone else to love
There's always something else that needs doing
And it knocks me to the ground
It takes away my wings
And I just stand there
waiting
Not knowing what else to do
Hoping, that I can fly again with you soon

Tuxes and tin cans

One day queers and straights will all live peacefully and equally together. We'd all get up each morning, go to work, take care of our homes and families, and meet the challenges life presents to each of us as best we can. We'd cry when we are sad, laugh when we are happy, feel the joy of falling in love, and the debilitating sorrow when someone we love passes away. We'd live our lives very much like we do now, but with the singular exception, we'd all be considered equal in the eyes of the state and in society. But not today.

Today when I heard that the California Supreme Court had upheld proposition 8, I was shocked. I really did think that they would do the right thing and overturn the 2008 California election bill that took away the recently gained right for same sex couples to marry.

At first I was angry. It just isn't right. I mean, how can anyone believe what they are doing is just, when their actions hurt so many? My heart went out to all of those in California who have worked so long and hard to overturn the bill. It wasn't difficult to imagine what they must be feeling coming up against such an unyielding wall of resistance, after having spent so much time trying to break through that barrier of misunderstanding and hate.

Then I realized that my anger was because of the frustration I felt and it turned to tears. As a lesbian here in Canada, I have the right to marry another woman. My partner and I would have the same rights and privileges as a married man and woman would have. Even as things are now, our long term common-law relationship is recognized by the government, just as it's heterosexual counterpart is.

If my partner and I were to marry, our neighbours might see us coming out of the house dressed in our finest duds, hear the horns of the cars in our wedding party, and the clanging of the cans tied to the back of our Tracker as we drove past. They'd gossip for a bit, maybe a few would even roll their eyes, but in a week or so, everything would be back to normal. We'd all go about our own lives just as we'd all done before. We'd get up in the morning, go to work, love and care for our families, mow our lawns on the weekends, and meet the challenges life presents to us each day.

On the surface everything would be the same. What difference does it mean for anyone if my partner and I have the security of knowing that if the other becomes ill, we'd be able to visit them in the hospital as next of kin, or if our home, life, and auto insurances are jointly owned? How does it change anyone else's life if one of us dies and our home and property automatically goes to the other? Who does it affect but ourselves if we gain the right to decide how best to deal with our partners remains? The privileges we would gain by being married wouldn't take away any from those who already take them for granted as their basic rights and freedoms, so what is all the fuss about? I just don't understand.

The fight for equality continues in California, and I am so very proud of the strength and commitment of my queer brothers and sisters there, and all over the US. ...This morning I felt so ineffectual just sitting here feeling hurt and frustrated and doing nothing. Writing this was all that I could think of. It's a small thing I know, but if what I have to say gets though to one person then I've at least done something, and it's a start.