Survival Mode

She said:

I've been living 

in survival mode

most of my life;

I'm fine.

The Shame of Difference

If I wasn't so different people would like me; 

if I wasn't queer

if I wasn't non-binary

if I didn't see the world differently

If I hadn't developed my own sense of right and wrong

If I didn't have opinions that I think should be given equal crediance

If I didn't complain about inequities and injustice

If I didn't believe in my own intelligence or trust my own instincts

If I didn't struggle with depression and loneliness

If I wasn't emotionally sensitive and highly reactive to my environment 

If I just didn’t feel everything so deeply  

If I could only control my anger

If I didn't believe that all people deserve care 

If I could just do better without needing others

then people would like me more

and I wouldn't be alone. 

Entitlement

All people are entitled. The notion that the world doesn't owe us anything cannot coexist with the idea that we are interconnected and interdependent. How easy it then becomes for any of us to walk past someone who is struggling, feeling sorry for them, but judging it as something we have no responsibility toward, while at the same time still expecting them to care for our needs and not make us feel badly for rushing past.

Special Treatment?

 

Caring for another's pain is not "special treatment". 

It's respect, and it's something every single person deserves. 

In Honour of The Indombitable Spirit

But they can treat you like you are inferior, and what we now know about human beings is that no one does well, let alone thrives when they are repeatedly told they are worth less.

In honour of all those who's spirits survive, despite what they've been told.

Black Sheep Deserve Respect Too!

Truth be told, I like most people and consider all people my people, until they don't consider my needs as being worthy of their consideration, but still expect me to consider theirs as just as important as they do, or even more important. It is  then difficult to not think that they somehow think they are more deserving than I.

My modus operandi has always been that to be in good relationship with one another, both parties needs should be respected.  I understand this to be the definition of respect. Human being to human being, for we are all human beings first before we are anything else.
 

My Father

I remember his scowl the most. It seemed a permanent fixture on his face. His sitting back in his lazy boy with his feet up scowling at the tv,  at my mother or at one of us.  

    

I remember how his feet smelled badly, and how when he knew it bothered you he’d wriggle and rub them together and laugh at your displeasure. 

I remember how Christmas was an excuse for him to drink early, putting vodka in his orange or tomato juice. I remember how he scoffed at every Christmas present my mother bought him saying that she only bought him tools and such so that he’d work around the house.

I remember his little contemptuous laugh whenever he upset one of us, and the smirk that said how much he enjoyed the power he held over you, over me. I remember his rage when I gave him back something of his own medicine, how he dragged me by my hair to throw me out the door to punish me, to get rid of me like he always said he would 

I don’t remember what I said to him, just his reaction.  

But I remember how hard  I fought back. 

A Forest

A forest cares for every individual tree, with the big and healthy trees giving sustenance  to the weak via the mycelium system that connects all organic life.  When all trees are healthy each tree then becomes equally responsible to the forest, and everyone thrives.

In our human society those with more have had very little responsibility towards those beneath them but those with less are expected to keep giving their  allegiance and gratitude to those above them for what they provide, even if what is given isn’t sustaining.

Is it any wonder our systems are  crumbling and everyone is struggling.

To those with more privilage than I

Think of me as having been born with a handicap. I won’t bore you with the violins, but the odds have never been in my favour; I was never expected to win; I was expected to support. 
I can only tell you that I believe I am experiencing the disproportionate effects of what my world expects of me to what I can expect from it; and I’m not sure how much longer I can carry that burden.  
I am the end of my line. 

The prodigy of my parent’s directionalless struggle ends with me. 
I have failed; as was expected. 

Rules

I was told to obey my parents; listen to my teachers; obey my employers; agree with my
betters; follow all the rules regardless of whether or not I had anything to do with their creation, regardless of whether or not they served me. Accepting that others, mostly those who demanded that I obey were served more by my compliance. 

What I had to gain was the food in my belly and the roof over my head; that I didn’t get punished; didn’t get a fail; didn’t lose my job; wasn’t ostracized by my family or community, or judged as someone who thought only of myself…

Oh wait, maybe I haven't been that good at following the rules.

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